


Lost and Found

by TooYoungToFeelThisTired



Series: What if? [30]
Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Alternate Timelines, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bathing/Washing, Bisexual Vanya Hargreeves, Childhood Trauma, Coming Out, Domestic, Established Relationship, Eventual Romance, F/M, First Kiss, Five came back, Five is an adult, Fluff, Healing, Isolation, Love Confessions, No incest if you understand Fiveya, Number Five | The Boy Needs A Hug, Others Mentioned - Freeform, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Season/Series 01, Psychological Trauma, Sharing a Bed, Trauma, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Vanya's POV, fiveya - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:06:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 27,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23170660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TooYoungToFeelThisTired/pseuds/TooYoungToFeelThisTired
Summary: And then he came back.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy & Vanya Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy/Vanya Hargreeves
Series: What if? [30]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1313192
Comments: 76
Kudos: 253





	1. Chapter 1

Sometimes Vanya wondered if this was all there was to life. Walking up, going to work, coming home. Years passing by in the blink of an eye. She used to think she would find freedom and purpose outside the walls of the Academy, in the real world, where she belonged all along, but maybe she didn't belong anywhere.

She wondered if maybe growing up in the Academy ruined her too much for the real world. Maybe she was being too optimistic and kind to herself in the book. She was screwed up just as much as the others.

Another day went by. Work was uneventful. She loved to play but playing in the orchestra with so many people who were far more talented and ambitious it sucked out the joy of playing. Pills helped like always. They made her feel less, which was a good thing because honestly, she didn't know what she would do if she didn't have her music.

She came home. When she first moved away she enjoyed the pure silence of no other person but herself. She used to hate the hushed noises of coming from her siblings' rooms which always had the door closed because they were too busy or not interested to spend the day with her. But sometimes, especially now more than ever, Vanya felt this strange coldness from the silence. It was like it was mocking her in a way, letting her know she was alone. All alone.

She set down her violin case and went to change. Perhaps she should get a cat. Someone to have around, to create some movement or noise. Someone to come home to and have around. Maybe she would feel less empty inside.

Once she changed into something comfortable, her old sweat pants and worn out t-shirt she ordered take out. She had no energy for cooking left inside her for months now.

When the food arrived, she tipped the delivery boy and sat herself in front of a laptop to watch some TV show until it was time for her to go to bed or she would be too tired. After the episode, a promo came on for some other TV show where Allison Hargreeves was supposed to be a guest star for next week. Vanya stopped everything and closed her laptop taking care of her dishes to busy herself. It had been four months and two days since her book was published and everything went to shit. She still remembered the horrifying call from Diego as he shouted at her for almost fifteen minutes, and she had no strength to end it. All she could do was to listen to the endless terribleness and nastiness he had to say to her before he finally hung up.

_I hope you die in a ditch!_

Her hands shook as she went to take a pill accidentally spilling the content of her medication on the table before she finally swallowed one dry. She thought their hate would have been better than their ignorance. She was wrong. At least in Diego's case.

Allison didn't call her at all, but someone from the agency did and threatened with a lawsuit. Luckily, they hadn't called since, so Vanya assumed they dropped it, or Allison decided she wanted nothing to do with her and suing her would give her bad press. She couldn't imagine facing her anywhere let alone in a courtroom.

She hadn't spoken with Klaus in years and she doubted he knew where she lived or her new number anyway. Oddly, she thought Klaus would be one of the few who wouldn't hate the book so much mainly because he was always sticking it up to dad, but on the other hand, she always thought he wouldn't care enough.

Luther called but sounded mostly disappointed and told her she harmed the good name of the academy. Vanya knew he was mostly upset about dad not about what she wrote about him. He was always a follower.

She wasn't sure what Ben would say or Five. They might be upset. She was sure they would be upset, and she wouldn't blame them. She thought about them more often now than ever wondering about what would they be like and if their relationships toward her would be as cold as with her other siblings.

She used to be close with them or as close as possible given how they tended to stick to each other, to the members of the academy. But once again, she fucked everything up. They would probably be pretty upset as well. She should have accepted she was only meant to be ordinary and never achieve anything worthy of mentioning or coming out to the spotlight.

Vanyawent to brush her teeth, it wasn't that late, but a part of her just felt that she wanted to go to bed early and not have to deal with anything for a couple of hours. There wasn't anything to actually deal with, but the loneliness and numbness disappeared whenever she was in bed. The bed was a safe place for her somewhere she could hide from the world and stay all day watching TV shows or reading books not dwelling about the outside world and all the problems and loneliness. It was the only place she never felt as alone as she did everywhere else.

Bending down she thought she heard something, but it was mostly covered by the sound of the water as she washed her mouth and face.

Still, Vanya turned around.

She didn't see anything. Maybe it was just in her head.

She took a towel and dried her hands taking her time. It was night, but not too late. She shouldn't even go to bed, but she didn't have the energy for reading and she finished another TV show yesterday, so she would have to go through the process of finding something new to watch which she always wasn't in the mood in. Not to mention she felt her stomach turn every time she thought about seeing the promo for Allison's role.

When she heard something fall in the living room, she paused and turned around.

The only light was coming from her bedroom lamp and bathroom where she was currently standing, but the noises sounded more distant, but not distant enough to come from another apartment.

Vanyaheld her breath trying to pay closer attention to the silence in her apartment.

_Did she just imagine it?_

She slowly walked out of the room. She also thought she heard something before when she was brushing her teeth. It made her nervous now. Could it be someone was in her apartment? She never had a break-in but her neighborhood wasn't the safest. Maybe she should have invested the money from the book into a new place.

She kept a baseball bat inside her closet just in case. Growing up the way she did know the city and people weren't all good also hearing Five's nagging voice that she always needed to have an escape plan. Even as a child he used to be incredibly paranoid, but she was also touched he always thought about keeping her safe. Ironically Diego was the one who brought it to her after she refused to keep a knife inside her mattress.

So her plan was to swing the bat as hard as she could if there was an intruder and rushed to the hallway hoping at least one of her neighbors will let her stay in their place and call the police. That was the plan. She assumed it was a good plan, well, she hoped. Giving that her landline was in the kitchen and her cell was somewhere in the living room she didn't even know where it was the best plan she could think of.

She managed to get the bat and slowly made her way closer to the living room. It was all dark and it was much easier to be brave when she constructed the plan in her mind. This was ridiculous. She should lock herself in the bathroom and wait it out, right? How was she a 5'1 tiny woman supposed to defend herself against a burglar on her own?

A horrible scenario where she would die at the end of this came to her might just as she caught a bluish light and heard the voice.

'No, no, no. Not here. I wasn't supposed to be here,' someone, a man, said out loud and Vanya watched as her living room came for a moment lightened by a bright blue color followed by what sounded like...like...

'Damn it, come on!' snapped the man and Vanya dropped the bat covering her mouth as in that frustrated urgency along with the voice and blue color she recognized... she recognized...

Her free hand reached for the light switched as she let go of her mouth breathing out a bit louder than a whisper, 'Five?'

There was a man wearing a dirty rag or a coat kneeling on her carpet with his back toward her.

'Not the right time,' he snapped in a sharper than a knife voice, and Vanya swallowed her heart which was now in her throat as she made her way to the man slowly without any means of defense if she turned out to be wrong, and he was just some homeless weirdo.

She walked around the couch so there was still some distance between the man who started to mumble something to himself.

_Not the right time. Must go back. Wrong equations._

And other things Vanya couldn't hear properly over the mumbling.

'Five? Is...is that you?' she asked once she got close now seeing the man was wearing a large scarf over his mouth and a hat. She couldn't properly see his face, but even so, it was seventeen years. How the hell was she supposed to know how Five looked like? If it was him that is. But the light and his voice she just...she felt something inside her like an intuition telling her that _yes_ despite all odds this was her long-lost brother. She just…used to leave the lights on and his favorite sandwiches all over the house in hopes he would come back. They used to be close. The closest of their siblings. Everyone was paired with someone Luther with Allison, Diego with Mom and Klaus with Ben and Five…Five with her. He was the only one whose door even if it was closed always opened whenever she knocked. She remembered how sometimes his eyes softened when he found her there and told her, ' _Good just in time for our next session.'_ That was what he called him explaining about his theories and ideas. The ones she rarely understood, but he never seemed to mind as he always ended with. _'Thank you for listening, it was the most productive I have been all day.'_ Or something equally close to a compliment.

'Five, can you hear me? Please, Number Five,' she said as she got closer to the man, and suddenly the man's mumble stopped. He didn't move or try to look at her, but she could see his hands were shaking now even if hidden by the torn gloves.

_Why was he dressed so poorly? What happened to him? God, was it even him?_

She took in a deep breath and took the last few steps now facing the man maybe three or four steps away from him everything inside her buzzing with anxiety and expectation of the possibility no matter how small that he was who her gut was telling her he was.

'It's me, Five. Do you recognize me?' she asked slowly and waited, but the man's eyes kept on the carpet and his hands rather than her.

She gathered all her courage and walked toward the man a bit closer feeling the hair on the back of her neck standing up as she knew that if it was an intruder it would take him maybe two seconds to grab her and tackle her to the ground.

'Number Five.'

Not knowing if it was smart and it probably wasn't, she put her hands over his noticing how damaged they were from labor work of some sort at least from what she could see on the torn parts of the gloves. The skin on his palms was burned and scarred, and Vanya felt that when she covered them she saved herself from imagining what might them caused them to look like that.

'It's me, Vanya.'

The man's head snapped up his eyes, forest green and intense just as she remembered them even if the experience and surprised behind them were new. But at last, it was the final proof she needed to know for sure that her heart was right and this was Five, how could he not be? She would recognize his eyes everywhere.

' _Look at me. I won't stop until you push that hair of yours away and look me in the eyes, Seven,_ ' she remembered an eleven year old Five holding her by the shoulders when she wanted to leave too afraid of what dad might do if he caught them talking and not studying in the library.

She took a hold of his wrists sneaking her fingers under the dirty sleeves of the coat locking his hands under hers, 'Do you remember me?'

The eyes she knew all too well and hadn't seen for so long blinked with new realization and recognition. So he remembered her as well. Upon the almost impossible to contain the joy of Five truly kneeling on her carpet alive she always felt pride and something else warm and heavy inside her chest knowing he even recognized her.

He was silent as he pulled one hand away from hers and reached out to her face. The tips of his fingers stopping against her cheek ever so slightly yet she could feel their warmth against her skin and wondered if he felt hers against them as well, 'Vanya.'

She smiled a bit feeling tears rushing into her eyes because of the way he said her name was the same. Oh, she could never forget the way he would say her name. With care, patience, sometimes a laugh or chuckle when she did something he thought was funny or adorable. He was the only one who ever told her she was funny or adorable during her childhood and adulthood.

'Hi, Five. Welcome back,' she said watching as his eyes moved over her face to the rest of her taking her in like he saw her for the first time making her feel almost dizzy with from the intense and yet amazed gaze like she was a miracle or a fine painting.

'Vanya,' he said and shifted his fingers pressing his whole palm against her cheek.

'Yes, yes,' she said and touched the wrist of the hand he pressed against her face not able to hold the tears any longer. She dreamed and prayed for Five to come back for so long, she lost hope years ago, feeling like a traitor when dad forced her to leave more or less kicking her out. She craved the whole night wondering if Five would hate her if he came home to find her gone if he would think she gave up on him somehow.

But here he was alive and back.

'Oh, my God, Five, you're back.'

The green eyes blinked the rest of his face still hidden by the scarf and hat as he said, 'I...I'm back?'

Vanya went to answer when all of the sudden Five's hand slipped from her face and he fell to the ground causing her to let out a startled gasp before trying to shake him awake, 'Five? Five!'

He mumbled something but didn't wake up much to Vanya's worries. She tried to check on the surface of his dirty clothes for any injuries, but she couldn't find anything.

'Five, Five, are you hurt? I-I'll call dad-'

'Not dad,' she heard him whisper. She quickly removed the scarf and hat and was meet with a man with a very large and not well-attended beard, 'not dad, please, Vanya.'

She bit her lip before she nodded. Five only said _please_ if he was being sarcastic or _really_ meant it. Somehow she had a feeling that didn't change and it meant the same it did then now.

'Okay, but what's wrong with you? Where are you hurt?' she asked and put her hand against his cheek. He looked so much different. If she didn't see his eyes maybe she wouldn't even know it was him. She would have passed him on the street and assume it was a stranger.

He didn't answer and remained motionless on the ground and against her touch.

'Five? FIVE!'

She tried to shake him awake again, but he slipped into unconsciousness for good.

'Shit,' she said feverishly looking around thinking what to do next before she decided to call for help.

* * *

Vanya bought herself a coffee from the nearby coffee machine and returned to the room they put Five in.

Since he didn't want her to contact dad, she had to improvise and call the ambulance making up a story that she knew _James_ , the homeless man and offered him to stay the night, but he fainted. The ambulance came and even with a few grumpy remarks about how he stank and that she was crazy for allowing someone like that into her apartment, they took him to the hospital. When the doctor started to list everything from the countless number of scars all over his body, to not properly healed broken bones, and a recently opened wound on the side not to mention feat and dehydration Vanya barely held in the remains of her lunch and tears.

_What happened to you, Five? Where did you go?_

Even if Vanya spent countless of hours daydreaming and dreaming about where Five was she always pictured him in a nice place. Better than the house and academy. Somewhere he could have worked on his equations and theories and not have to deal with dad and their siblings. Somewhere good. Even if a darker thought did cross her mind about him being somewhere not so pleasant where something bad might have happened to him. She only ever allowed thoughts like that when she got bitter about his absence and why he never came back before she changed them away feeling horrible. In the end, she didn't care when Five went as long as he was okay. That would be enough. No surprise that another one of her childhood wishes didn't come true.

The chat with the doctor was a couple of hours ago, and Five still hadn't woken up. The doctor said they cleaned up all wounds and fixed some of the bones. He explained that he might have been still unconscious only due to exhaustion, but it didn't ease Vanya's mind one bit.

She sat the coffee on the small table next to his bed and went to his sleeping form lightly brushing his long hair away from his face, 'What happened to you? Where did you go?'

She still felt like she was inside a dream. The whole time since she called the ambulance up until this moment, there was still a part of her that was waiting for her to wake up and realize it was all a dream and Five was still gone.

'Please, don't be a dream,' she whispered to him and grimaced a bit, 'I really...I really missed you, and I need you now more than ever.'

He stayed unresponsive, but as long as he stayed she was fine with it for now.

Her fingers trailed a recent scar on his cheek, and she wondered how he got it, or any of the scars and wounds he had. Did he get into a fight wherever he ended up with? Was he tortured?

Her own heart bled with such a terrible thought.

She didn't even care how he found her, she was just so happy he was there with her. The doctor said he should be alright, and it was honestly the only thing which was keeping her from crying her eyes out.

'Five, you're back,' she said more to herself than him at that moment trying to fully embrace it all when suddenly Five's eyes flew open and he caught her forearm in his grip firmly.

It startled Vanya to remain speechlessly looking at him for a few seconds as he glared at her hand now only close to his face, but not touching him anymore.

'Five, it's alright,' she spoke and watched as his eyes softened with the same realization as before, and then looked up to see her face. She hoped she looked as non-threatening and calm as possible when she offered him a small smile, 'Hi.'

He blinked still holding her forearm tightly. It lasted a couple of moments before he started to look around the room too.

'We're in a hospital. You didn't want me to contact dad, so I got you here. They did a checkup and everything and-'

'Fuck that,' he cut her off, and she blinked shocked for a moment her mouth opened. She never heard him curse like that which was understandable they were kids when they last saw each other but still.

'Uh, what?'

He sat up and moved to the edge of the bed. Definitely something the doctor advised not to do so shortly after waking up.

'Wait, you shouldn't walk, the doctor said-'

He pulled her by the forearm closer to him and they put another hand around her waist almost pressing her against his chest complete which made her only now realize just how tall he got, 'Five?'

Before she knew it her stomach did a triple jump as she felt like she was falling through time and space or whatever that meant and then literally falling to the carpet in her apartment feeling like she wanted to puke.

She gasped in shock realizing what must have happened, what Five must have done, and spun around to find him pressed against her wall, his eyes closed and him mumbling something to himself.

'Five, you weren't supposed to leave the hospital...,' she stopped talking as he saw him pushed even more into the wall and continue to mumble while his eyes staying closed.

She walked on her knees toward him before she stopped in front of him and put her hands on his face causing him to finally stop mumbling and take a deep breath.

'Are you real?' he asked not opening his eyes, 'Tell me are you real?'

She stroked his cheeks, 'Yes, Five, I'm real.'

'I can't tell...I can't tell anymore...you...I don't know anymore,' he said and opened his eyes. They looked so broken, he looked so broken. It made her want to cry for him because knowing him or the boy she knew when she was a child, he wouldn't do it himself.

She tried to say something but didn't know what. She didn't know how to make him feel better.

She grabbed one of his hands and pressed it against her chest where her heart was beating like crazy, 'Can you feel my heart? My heartbeat?'

He pressed his palm further into her chest his eyes on their hands. Five remained silent for a while probably feeling her heartbeat, listening if it was really there.

But instead of relief she saw the conflict in his eyes as he shook his head tears now falling down his cheeks breaking her already broken heart even more, 'I dream of you all the time. I see you all the time...I don't know if you're real. How are you real? How is this not just a cruel daydream again or nightmare and I will-I will,' his voice got quieter by the end as he closed his eyes the last tear running down his cheek and chin before falling to the ground, 'I will still be in that place.'

Vanya shook her head as well even if she didn't know how to prove it to him that they were really together again, that it was real.

She brushed her own tears away doing her best in holding the other ones inside and pulled Five into her arms in the tightest hug her weak skinny arms could make, 'I'm real. I'm Vanya. I used to come into your room and complain about how dad was being cruel and unfair, and you would tell me to be patient and that we would be out soon living how we wanted to.'

His hands circled her back as well pulling her into an even tighter embrace holding her closer. She tried to remember the last time she ever hugged someone like that, but even in her brief flings no lover ever held her that close and that desperately as Five making it almost seem like she would get lost in the embrace. Honestly, she would want nothing more but to do that feeling everything from his wild heartbeat against her chest, his shaky breathing against her shoulder and neck, his warm and body against her own. Just feeling _all_ of him.

She didn't know what to do, but if holding him helped just a little bit, she would hold him all night long, 'Your walls were always such a mess of numbers, formulas, and equations. No one but you understood them. Remember when you tried to explain them to me, and we ended up laughing as I couldn't get anything right? You never made fun of me for not understanding. You said you were glad I at least tried and was the only one who listened and was the easiest to talk to. You were too. Everyone else always looked so annoyed when I spoke with them, not you though. You always acted like my ramble about dad and music was the most interesting in the world, remember?' she continued to talk to him without waiting for an answer for what felt like hours maybe even longer until she felt his grip loosened but didn't let go.

She pulled him closer and kissed the side of his head not letting go either, 'You were always my favorite. My only confidant, did you know?'

With that, he pulled her closer again, but still didn't say anything maybe because he still didn't believe her, maybe because he did believe her. It didn't matter. None of it. All she cared about was that he was back in her arms, and she felt ridiculously happy even when he was such a mess. She just wanted to hold him close and know he was there with her.

She brushed her fingers through his hair all through the night in the uncomfortable position of their embrace on her floor talking to him nonstop. It was the most she had spoken in seventeen years, and she felt her throat hurt by the end of it when morning came, but she didn't care.

When he started to slide against her chest she let him and then allowed him to lie his head down into her lap as trying to move his legs and arms to a more comfortable way even if it would still suck for him in the morning when he woke up after sleeping like this.

She took another careful look at his face. He changed so much. He grew up like the rest of them, but his face held so much more pain. What happened to him? Who hurt him like this? All thoughts and theories continued to rush through her mind as she watched his sleeping form. At least now he looked at peace and not haunted by whatever he had been through. It made the smallest smile to form on her face as in just a few hours of coming back to her Five managed to make her feel what she hadn't since the day he left, needed and wanted to be around someone.

Taking a deep breath Vanya pressed her back against the wall behind her. She didn't take her eyes off of him or stopped stroking his hair. She was no longer worried that he would be a dream, but she dreaded what he would feel or do if he woke up and not see her again. She wouldn't want that either so she remained on the floor with him not caring if her back and ass will blame her for it later.

* * *

When Five woke up again it was much calmer than when he did so in the hospital. Vanya was looking at the sunrise outside her window still running her fingers through his messy hair when she felt him stir. He blinked a few times his eyes fixed at her face without saying anything, and neither did Vanya for a moment giving him time to adjust again.

He took a deep breath and raised his hand slowly reaching for the side of her neck touching her skin right under the collar of her shirt gently like a feather of a bird, 'Are you really real?'

'Yes,' she said instantly barely letting him finish.

His eyes watched her for a moment the softness from last night and all those years before back when he asked, 'Promise?'

'Cross my heart and hope to die,' she said pressing her hand against her chest looking down at him while his fingers stroke the side of her neck softly before he looked away from her to her apartment and the daylight outside.

A few more minutes, and he sat up, Vanya immediately missing the feeling and warmth of his body against hers before she got used to the absence again.

'Are you hungry? The doctor said...,' she paused not sure how to start the topic of the poor physical state his body was in before she thought better, 'I can make breakfast.'

She stood up giving him a hand to help him up, he took it but looked around the room again his eyes landing on the black plastic bag which Vanya assumed was his and left in the apartment.

He nodded before looking around her apartment which made her bite her lip and think. Should she ask him now? Should she wait?

'I don't have marshmallows thought or peanut butter for that matter... or bread,' she said realizing her fridge was definitely empty since she hadn't cooked in ages and stopped eating breakfast around the time she moved her.

Five blinked and look at her and for a moment she felt a stab in the heart that he didn't remember before the corner of one of his lips ever so slightly crooked to the side and he said, 'Now, that's a crime. My first day back, I can't even have my favorite sandwich?'

She chuckled and looked away before she looked back at him catching him looking at her a bit stunned as she said, 'I will go buy it...'

She paused again realizing she would be forced to leave Five alone for that time being.

He seemed to realize it too before he said, 'I don't need it. Anything will do.'

She looked away embarrassed and feeling her stomach sickening as he was being nice about it which made it even worse, 'Yeah, I don't really have anything here but a jar of pickles.'

'I can eat it,' he said, and she brushed her hair only now realize it was down. She must have lost her hair tie during the jumping from the hospital back to her apartment.

'It's been open forever. I only keep it because if I don't I will turn my fridge fully off which would mean I resigned to ever buy food again,' she babbled knowing it sounded ridiculous, but Five just shrugged his shoulders said with a straight face, 'I ate worse.'

She felt the same stab in the chest as before feeling he was telling the truth before she said stepped closer, 'I will go to the groceries it's right down the street you can see it from my bedroom window. You…,' she paused searching his eyes, 'you came back. I want to make you a proper treat. I made a few while you were gone in case you came home.' One thousand and fifty-seven, but he didn't need to know that. She used to make one every day for a few years.

His eyes changed a bit for a second before he nodded, and he looked almost pleased before he straightened his face and said, 'Alright then.'

Vanya took in his appearance again, 'Maybe you can take a shower I will be back before you know it. Unless you want to come with me?' she asked slowly and watched as something flashed behind his face, something like panic, 'I will wait here.'

She nodded for a moment again not knowing what to do before she rushed to the bedroom, 'I might have something for you to wear and, uh, towels,' she spoke out loud filling the silence.

Five followed close behind but stayed on the doorstep just looking at her, in the end, a bit hesitant.

She handed him what she could find, 'The pants are Diego's. He used to live here for a while a long time ago, but they might fit. Uh, I wear large shirts to bed.'

He nodded and took the clothes and then towel looking at her like he wanted to say something but didn't.

She didn't want to go. Honestly, she would feel better if she stayed with him, but took a deep breath and nodded to herself, 'Take as much time as you wish in the shower, I will try to hurry.'

He nodded as well and finally looked at her his expression soft again. Vanya shook her head and threw her arms around him pulling him for a tight hug again, 'I'm sorry, I just-you were gone for so long-'

'It's fine. I...missed you too. You can't imagine,' he said one of his hands letting go of the items squeezed between their bodies and touching her head pressing it even more against his shoulder in a very affectionate way. No one touched her like this for ages if ever. It reminded her of the time dad was especially meaningful to her and Five forced her into his room where he tugged her into his bed and put a blanket over her head, ' _Now, dad can't get to you. No one can. The blanket will keep you safe. I will keep you safe._ '

'Missed you more,' she said trying to be coy, but she felt him shake his head and pressed his beard against her forehead scratching her a bit, but she found the sensation oddly nice.

'No. Believe me, I missed you more,' he said holding her for a few seconds longer making her get familiar with his breathing, his heartbeat, his smell even if it was bad, his pure existence. She tried to recall the last time they hugged like this before he was gone. When dad told her something so mean about her playing she cried? When he told Five his theories were childish and he was an idiot for believing them? When he made the training extra hard and told Vanya to stay in her room without dinner? She couldn't remember when was it, but she could clearly picture the moment she was in Five's arms feeling safe and knowing however sad and bad she was feeling it would all pass because Five was there holding her close and tight. Even if now he was covered in dirt and smelled like he hadn't shower for weeks, possibly months, under all that filth she could still smell _him_. A constant reminder of how all would be well. She used to sneak into his room after he was gone just to recall it and the feeling it evoked inside her.

Very slowly he started to let her go looking down at her, 'I'll be here.'

'Okay,' she said the feeling he wanted to say something else before she rushed to the door knowing if she stayed a second longer she wouldn't force herself to leave at all, and as tempting as it was, they needed food.

* * *

It took her longer than she expected because once in the store, she realized she should buy more food in case Five was planning to stick around which caused her to space out a bit wondering if he really was planning to stay. They haven't talked. She rushed out of the apartment the first chance she got, and she had no idea if Five was planning to stay or leave. If he planned to contact the others meet up with them or eventually dad. She shivered at the thought remembering just why that would be a terrible idea. She would have to come clean about the book and let him read it and make up his own mind about it and _hate her_. She almost dropped the bags with the sudden nausea of the realization that Five just came home, back to her and he would hate her because of the stupid book.

She unlocked the door and rushed inside pausing when she caught the sound of the water in the bathroom running. She noticed the black plastic bag was gone from the living room, but with the water, she was sure he was still in the apartment and let out a revealed sighed. He stayed.

She started to put away the groceries and make lunch since it was too later for breakfast. She made ten peanut butter sandwiches with marshmallows and one regular one for her making sure they were neatly set on the table remembering the times she did this when she was a kid. She smiled almost fondly even if she just a bit as she recalled Pogo always falling a victim to her sandwiches.

She maybe played a bit too much with the sandwiches but by the time she was done, she realized it was close to evening. It surprised her, and she blinked confused wondering if Five still wasn't done with the shower.

She bit her lip listing the pros and cons of going to check up on him. Just to be sure.

'Hey, I'm back,' she said not sure what else to say.

No answer. Her heart dropped a bit by that and she tried again knocking a few times before she took the handle and turned it around fearing that he might have left the water running and left or…or…

He left the door unlocked which surprised her even more.

Inside she found him the tub sitting there motionless.

She averted her eyes to the side trying to look at her wall than at his naked body because she was never good with nudity and was sure this was a violation of every boundary people had between each other, 'Five? Are you alright?'

When he didn't answer which caused her to blink and turn back to him. He was still sitting motionless without any indication he was aware she was present. Maybe it was a bad idea to leave the hospital. Apart from the physical injuries, there could have been something psychologically wrong with him as well, and she was the last person who would knew how to handle that.

Slowly she walked closer to him trying to keep her eyes at eye level feeling her face slowly warming up but writing it off as due to the awkwardness of the situation and the hotness of the running water in the closed room.

'Five,' she very gently put her hand on his shoulder, and he looked up at her blinking. He didn't look stressed or surprised she was there. He just blinked very slowly at her, 'Vanya.'

She wasn't sure what to do but she knew the water would run cold at some point, and it looked like all he did was sit still there under the stream.

'Come on let me help you with that,' she said trying to gather her thoughts and what she just said. She took the soap and the sponge and just did what she would do if she was the one taking the shower. Vanya wasn't a very social person. It was a curse that followed her from childhood. Sometimes she wasn't sure if it wasn't just something that imprinted on her because of how dad and her siblings threatened her, but other times she wondered if it wasn't her own fault. She never went out with any of her colleagues for drinks or to celebrate anything. She didn't even talk to them. She kept to herself not knowing any of her neighbors' surnames and never initiated small chat. As for closer relationships apart from now hating siblings, she didn't have any friends, not by the definition or relationship. She barely functioned with her colleagues. And as for lovers they were as short-lived as her Chinese food, and they weren't deep not at all. No matter how much she gave of herself and far she took the relationship in the bedroom, she didn't feel any intimacy. Not the real one she hoped existed when two people connected at least she still hoped there was and not just a pretty lie of the fiction books and movies she watched. With most of them, she didn't even get fully naked feeling too exposed and not ready which was why they maybe never lasted although when she looked back she didn't really want to. She just wanted them to fill the void.

Washing Five was something which made her feel like she was the one exposed, naked, bare. She felt almost like she was butt naked in the tub and not him because every nerve ending in her body was tickled and lightened up in a way that made her all too aware of everything. It felt strange, but not terrible. She would think it was like when people let themselves out of their comfort zone and did a new thing. They weren't necessarily bad, but they made a person feel painfully aware of what they were doing. Vanya couldn't help, but think It felt more intimate than any of the times she had sex which should make her feel sad and pathetic but only got her to look at it as a precious moment and experience. It wasn't even sexual at least not all the time which might have helped to make it so intriguing until she started to move lower to apply soap and felt him go hard against her touch.

She gasped a bit before she could stop herself, but Five didn't look at her then and continued to look ahead giving her an easy escape.

She knew now she was blushing but told herself it was just the physical reaction of his body pushing the embarrassment away and blaming the heat on the warm water.

'All done,' she said when after what felt like a lifetime when managed to wash all the soap and shampoo out of his Five's body trying to keep her eyes on his blank face rather than anywhere else even if she already touched him there a few times now. He looked and smelled a hundred times better, but the beard definitely needed some cutting.

She turned around for a moment to give him the towel, not sure how she would be able to get him out of the tub when Five stepped out of it on his own and surprised her by putting his hands over her cheeks not bothered by his nakedness one bit. His face was clearer now and his eyes more focused as they scanned her face before he leaned down pressing his forehead against hers. His voice was a whisper, 'Not a dream.'

Vanya wanted to joke. She wanted to lighten up the situation and her embarrassment with a joke like if he often dreamed of her getting him cleaned, but forgot it the moment she realized he was still scared it wasn't real and pushed the idea away for both of their sakes.

She threw the towel over his shoulders and then pressed her hands against and the front of it against his chest. She still wasn't used to how tall he was, 'No, it's not.'

Five remained still for a moment his eyes shut and their bodies close before he stepped away putting the towel properly, 'Where's my sandwich?'


	2. Chapter 2

'Where's my sandwich?'

Vanya forced herself to chuckle and roll her eyes, but it came out a bit choked. She wanted to ask him if he knew what happened and that he was under the shower for so long. He looked positively lost like his mind drifted away. But maybe there was still time for that. For now, she led him to the kitchen in front of the tower of sandwiches she prepared for him earlier.

She didn't even bother to hide the fact that she was waiting for him to start to eat once they sat down ignoring her own plate.

He watched the first sandwich for a moment like he was getting familiar with it not yet biting just admiring it in a way. Vanya felt the pressure and ball inside her throat returning making it hard to sit straight without a sound as she once again realized it. He was back. He came back. And whenever he was, it was not nice at all.

When she was younger and bitter locked inside their nightmarish mansion, she used to think Five left them all on purpose in search of a better life. She imagined he got somewhere nice and cozy much better than the dad's house, and that he lived the perfect life and forgot about them. It never lasted long, and an adult Vanya could blame it on teenage mood and rebellion, but she hoped it wasn't true and Five ended somewhere _bad_ regretting leaving the house, them, and her. She knew it was cruel, childish, selfish and all the shades of horrible to have such thoughts but when she was the most upset because of dad and the ignorance of her siblings. She really wished that was the case. Now she hated herself for it, even more, realizing that it was true, Five really was someplace horrible.

She knew Five would never wish her such horrible things. He was a good brother who cared for her and called her a companion and friend always treating her like she belonged even if he sometimes wasn't all nice and was his usual self, stubborn and cold he still treated her the same as the others. She didn't feel like such an outsider when she was with him. She didn't feel like she was different when she was with him.

Five took a bite letting out a moan and smiling a bit as he chewed, 'Gosh, it still tastes amazing. No, scratch that it tastes _so much_ better. You wouldn't believe the shit I ate before and-,' he cut the speech as he finished his first bite and looked at her before he full-on frowned the way he used to when he couldn't understand why the numbers in his formulas weren't adding up.

'You- you're crying?' he asked and his frown softened into worry before he reached out for her and she let out a choked sound pushing a hand over her mouth. She didn't realize she was crying honestly. She thought she was just feeling sad, but now that he said it she felt hot tears running down her face and her mouth letting out these sounds even with her covered hands.

Five reached out for her other hand instantly. Like it was the most natural thing. He was back less than a day, and he just knew he could touch her and _how_ to touch her to make her feel better, and she just couldn't handle any of that now.

He stood up and helped her out of the chair before pulling her into his arms, and she shook her head letting herself cry.

'Where were you?' she sobbed, 'Why couldn't you eat peanut butter sandwiches? Didn't they allow you any?' she cried against him not sure he was making out what was she saying, but he didn't seem to mind as he just held her close like he always would when she got emotional.

'No, don't comfort me,' she said at one point trying to push free, 'You-you were lost somewhere bad, I should be the one comforting you and not-,' she tried to look away to brush her nose against her sleeve so he wouldn't see because she had no napkin lying around. It was only then she realized she skipped her pills today.

Five just moved her head closer to him and kissed the side of her face as she wouldn't turn toward to face him until she calmed down a bit. This was ridiculous and so stupid. Why did she act so stupid?

She hiccupped and shook her head again. She didn't deserve him to comfort her. He was the one who suffered, and she wished he'd suffer letting that horrible angry thought into the world and making it come true. She wrote a book exposing all of her siblings in the worst way imaginable, and she was a horrible sister, and person and now she skipped her medication and was crying against Five's chest like a baby while she should be comforting him.

She untangled herself out of his arms and rushed to her coat grabbing her pills knowing it would be the only thing that would help her.

'You still take those?' she heard Five ask as she took one and swallowed it without water.

She didn't answer at first making sure she swallowed before nodded, 'I have to.'

He didn't answer just continued to watch them for a moment before he looked back at the sandwiches and took another one letting out a sigh, 'Still good.'

She came back holding onto the bottle of pills tightly. The stress of yesterday and today threw her off her schedule she needed to be more careful not to miss out again.

'I'm glad,' she said and sighed, 'You still haven't answered my question.' They both noticed.

He continued to chew now eying the sandwiches rather than her before he frowned a bit, 'I'm not sure I want to.'

She gripped the bottle, 'Because of my…I can handle it now. I just skipped a few pills.'

He looked at her and then at the bottle almost like he was analyzing what she told him which made her want to defend herself, 'I never do that, but yesterday was different. It isn't every day your long-lost brother returns.'

He looked at her again and took another bite momentarily closing his eyes in the appreciation of how delicious the sandwich was, 'I don't want to talk about it.'

She loosened her hold on the bottle, 'Oh.'

His eyes softened at her as he swallowed, 'It's not because of you-It's not…I don't want to talk about it because it's not relevant yet.'

Five let the sandwich go and brushed his hair. A nervous tic. He was stressed. Something he only did when he was frustrated. Five always looked collected, smooth, like he could handle anything and nothing every shocked or surprised him. Everything was counted on, expected, considered. Five Hargreeves was hard to surprise or get under his skin. But Vanya knew better. Vanya used to watch him closely. She used to watch all of them closer, and she knew their façades, the masks they created. Some were for the public, the others for each other. Vanya saw threw many of them. Maybe it was easier to see through Five's because they were so close. They used to be.

'Maybe it would make you feel better,' she tried and set the bottle on the fridge. She would put it to her bathroom's cupboard later.

'Talking about our feelings to make it better how very therapeutic and not-Hargreeveslike of you,' he said maybe to insult her and make her drop it, maybe to joke and change the topic. It didn't work.

She shrugged her shoulders, 'I was never a part of the family, why start now?'

He looked up at her again something changed in his eyes, 'Wrong.'

Vanya blinked confused by the heated look in his eyes, 'You were never a part of the academy. You were always part of the family.'

She grimaced. She could tell they were changing the conversation to her. She didn't like it one bit, 'There wasn't a difference.'

Five shook his head, 'There was and there is. And if you thought there wasn't, why keep the name? In the hospital, you still said your name was Vanya Hargreeves. Why not just change it if you weren't part of the family?' he asked.

Low blow.

He must have caught sensed it because again his face softened almost to a look, she would call _apologetic_ in Five's case, 'I didn't mean it like a bad thing. I was just trying to prove-'

'Your point I know,' she said calmly feeling the pills kicking in. She forgot he could be unbearable when he wanted to prove he was right. Sometimes even cruel even if he didn't mean to.

He watched her for a moment before he said something she didn't hear very often from him if at all, 'I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to hurt your feeling. You should know that.'

She nodded. She knew that much was true. Five used the word _sorry_ very rarely and if he did use it he meant it.

Vanya went to sit down and eat her sandwich, 'I guess, there is still a part of me which want to be a part of the family even if I know I can't.'

'That's not true,' he tried to argue, but she raised her hand, 'You…you were gone a long time, Five. Things changed. We changed for better or worse.'

His face was tense now. He probably didn't think of that possibility or maybe he just tried to avoid it in his mind. Vanya did as well for obvious reasons. Maybe it wasn't the best idea to bring it up especially when he looked at her again and requested, 'Tell me,' in a way she knew she couldn't refuse.

She shook her head, 'Just things happened.' She wrote a devious book about their family and alienated everyone. They all hated her now. Everyone except Ben, who was dead and Five, who she had to lie to as long as possible about the book and what she did. She knew it was horrible. Maybe worse than wishing him to have a bad life in a moment of jealousy and rage, but she selfishly wanted to lie to him and keep him in her life at least a bit longer. She knew once the bubble would burst, and he would figure it out he would hate her with the same passion and disgust the others did, but for now, she could enjoy his company.

She licked her lips and took in a deep breath, 'I don't know if you're aware, and maybe I shouldn't even say this but, uh, Ben…Ben's…' How long was it since she last said it out loud? She couldn't recall. Maybe at the funeral where she was more asleep than awake at times overdosing on too many pills to numb the crushing pain, she felt every time she looked at Klaus's red from crying or being high eyes. Maybe when she said it out loud when they all came home, and Klaus looked at her without really looking at her.

_'Why wasn't it me? Why wasn't it you?'_ he asked her then before making his way up the stairs. She wasn't even allowed to go to the funeral which was a public affair of a fallen hero. She took a lot of pills that week everything was a dream or a nightmare now when she thought about it. Maybe it was just in her mind.

'I know,' said Five spearing her of actually saying it out loud. His expression revealing as much as hers would, but she was always good in reading him, and she knew what he felt.

'Oh,' was all Vanya allowed herself to say or not say before she grimaced, 'I still sometimes…it's still sometimes hard to get used to it. Whenever I think about everyone and where they are and what they are doing I…I think of him and then realize that he isn't here anymore…it's strange.'

Five nodded and continued to eat in slower bites gazing at the plate now his thoughts probably just as grim as hers, 'There were seven of us, and always will be.'

Of course, he understood her. They used to be close, the closest in the house of horrors for a reason.

'Anyway, how are they?' he asked after a moment of both of them regretting the past and their mutual lost, his voice not as down as before, 'The others?'

Vanya blinked gratefully by the change which could ease up the tension and gloomy atmosphere as well as cause her pain and stress as a remind her just how much she ruined everything.

'Well, I don't really keep taps as much as I should,' she said to use it as a cover to why she wasn't in contact with them. She wouldn't lie per se, just tell him what she used to know about them before the book. It shouldn't be so hard or shouldn't make her feel so terrible about herself.

'Most of us moved out at one point or another. Luther is still with dad as far as I know. He still sends him on missions. Sometimes he has an article about him or they mention him and his mission in the news. Not as much as they used to,' she said feeling like she offended their brother who wasn't even here so she added, 'But dad doesn't publicize your missions as much as he used to so-'

'You don't need to speak on his behave in front of me,' he cut her off suddenly and Vanya felt like she should blush in embarrassment, but wasn't sure she did. The pills were definitely kicking in.

She shook her head, 'I'm not, it just sounded-'

'Harsh,' he smirked surprising her a bit, 'Always ready to defend us even when we were jerks to you.'

She bit the inside of her mouth from saying _not always_.

'You weren't a jerk to me,' she said and his smirk turned into a grimace, 'I forced you to write on my walls while I told you what to write. Doesn't sound like model brother behavior.'

She offered him a small smile at the memory, 'I'm pretty sure you just did that not to make me feel so bored and useless all the time.'

Five took another bit, 'Maybe, but also your handwriting was much better than mine.'

They chuckled at that. Vanya couldn't argue with that logic yet with the way his eyes softened she always expected him to say something more before he looked away and coughed a bit, 'You were telling me about Luther.'

'Right, uh, so he still does the missions, and that's all I know. Usually, when we spoke together over the phone, he talked about that or dad and the house. Pogo and Grace are still there too…I haven't really spoken with them often either,' she said actually feel bad about that. She should at least try to call again, but she was too chicken worried Luther would pick up like last time.

'They're probably alright,' said Five and stood up to take a glass of water, 'Pogo lived with the old man longer than we can even remember, and there isn't much which can upset Grace.'

Vanya nodded, 'I guess. Well, uh, Allison is a big movie star now, so she definitely got her dream come true. She's in L.A most of the time.' She wanted to sue her because of the book but probably decided not to. She left that part out.

Five didn't say anything to that so she carried on forcing her voice not to shake or give anything away, 'Diego is in the police academy last I heard. He lived here for a couple of months after he left the house before he found his own place. I think he was dating someone. I only saw them once on a date.' Right, she did see him and a woman together before the whole book fiasco, but rather than walk over and say hi she walked the other way. She got upset. Diego used to live here. Sure she offered because that was what siblings do, and she really didn't want him to be on the street when he had nowhere to go, so for a time they were living in her small apartment and talking. It might sound ridiculous but Vanya felt like it was the first time they were talking maybe in forever. Not just about the house, the academy, dad, their siblings, but also about themselves. So when Diego moved out, Vanya assumed they would still around in each other's lives. But of course, she was wrong and the moment she saw him with his date she realized just how wrong she was. She knew nothing about his life and where it was heading and he didn't seem to care he didn't know anything about hers. That was before the book after the book he did call, but it was less than civil and sibling friendly.

'I honestly don't know anything about Klaus. He used to call and stop by to crash a couple of years before when he was fed up with the house or his friends or stuff. But then he vanished a bit. Diego sometimes mentioned him, occasionally Luther. We got him committed once to a rehab facility, but it didn't work out. Family therapy wasn't as helpful as the therapist assumed it would be.'

Five chuckled but quickly tried to cover it before he asked the smirk still visible on his face, 'You guys tried family therapy-'

'For Klaus-'

'You,' he closed his eyes and covered his mouth obviously trying to hold back laugher. Vanya let out an annoyed sound, 'Yeah, laugh it out. It went as well as you would expect.' She honestly couldn't believe she thought therapy would help them out. It was ridiculous and made them all avoid eye contact afterward. They didn't try it again. Probably for the best.

Five stopped laughing and took a deep breath, 'Wish I was there.'

'Yeah, right. You sure would have loved having a talking stick which no one used and the shouting matches between Luther and Diego and Klaus laughing and commenting everything,' she rolled her eyes at the memory. Not something she liked looking back at. Sure it was a bit funny now if she didn't think about sitting there and the therapist turning to her suggesting she might still be bitter about it and her starting the book afterward which proved her right.

She pushed those thoughts away. She was glad they could just stop there and not skip over Ben.

'You could tell me what you've been up to?' she tried, but Five shot her a smirk, 'Nice try.' It didn't reach his eyes, but she knew better than to push if he really didn't want to talk about it. She hoped he would soon though. It was eating her up from the inside not knowing how to help him deal with it.

'What about you?' he asked after a while.

She was tempted to play with him and tell him that she would if he did the same, but didn't want to push him. She was worried he would get angry and leave and well…she just got him back. Him leaving was scary and not a conversation she wanted to start.

'I'm in an orchestra in town,' she said feeling the inside of her mouth burning as she imagined how she would say next _I wrote a book about us_. _It's horrible. Everyone hates me now._

Five's smirk turned into something softer, a smile, something reserved he only ever showed if he forgot himself or knew no one was there, 'Like you always wanted.'

His expression turned a bit smug though as he crossed his arms looking at her. She was always conflicted about that look. Apart of her wanted to wipe it off his face and another found it… _interesting_ , 'I always knew you would.'

She rolled her eyes, ' _Right_. Especially after my first two weeks.' She recalled the time of slamming doors and _everyone_ telling her to quit it or stop playing all together.

'Even then. I knew somewhere in that terrible sound is a hidden symphony,' he said, and she shook her head not believing him one bit but still smiling. It was so long ago. So much time had passed. Some memories were hard and painful, but not all of them. Maybe it was more than just some last bits of hope that she could be a real Hargreeves which kept her from changing the name. Maybe it was the memories she didn't want to let go which were inseparable from the family name.

'Anyway, when will I hear you play?' Five asked and Vanya felt the easy mood slipping away a bit, 'Maybe not today. I have a vacation for a reason you know,' she joked hoping it would sound convincing. She didn't confess how she lately felt about her playing. Mediocracy was something she feared all her life like plague. But given her conductor's recent comments about her playing, she definitely felt like she was starting to fall into the category. She wasn't sure what happened. The conductor said she showed an excellent entrance performance, but soon afterward it was like what made her alive and stood out from the other applicants started to fade away the same way she herself felt like she did so many times before. Vanya couldn't explain it. Maybe getting the spot ruined her ambition? Maybe being so alone in her life? Either way, she was scared to play for Five. After she got better in the violin, Five was something of her supporter. He always claimed she was good, and very often wanted her to play for him explaining that classical music helped with mathematical thinking. She was happy someone actually enjoyed her playing not to mention glad she could help him somehow. So if she really had gotten worse, the last person she wanted to play for was Five right now.

After they ate up, Vanya watched as Five went to pick up his black bag and go through his things. She briefly wondered if she should go and see what he had there, but since he didn't come to show her, it felt rude and like she was violating his privacy, so she brushed her curiosity off. Instead, she got to the cleaning of the living room and then picking up a book. Things she would fill her time with on a weekend.

When Five came back to the living room and asked her what she usually did, she was a bit self-aware about introducing him to her Netflix and HBO GO, but he didn't seem in any way judgment about her lack of hobbies.

He sat with her through some shows very interested in Killing Eve which surprised her.

They made dinner afterward. Neither of them was much of a cook, but again Five said he had worse. However, it didn't make her feel better at all.

He helped her with the dishes for a moment pausing which made Vanya wonder if he didn't space out again only to start with a strange expression on his face. She was desperate to know what it meant and what was going on inside his mind.

'You alright?' she asked softly.

Five nodded his expression still odd and eyes hurt actually hurt which made Vanya want to reach out and hug him again, 'I forgot.'

'How to wash the dishes?' she asked blinking at his hand, which were motionless over the sink.

'It's been a while since I had to. That's all.'

'No dad around to claim it would help save the world?' she asked hoping to lighten up.

He replied with a short smirk, but it wasn't genuine. Just something to humor her attempt. Five at least tried. He always tried not to make her feel weird or like a total loser in their family.

They carried on in silence not sure what to talk about. She still wanted to ask about what happened to him. But given his previous reaction and her outburst she held it in. With the pills, she was sure she would take it better but still didn't feel brave enough to ask anymore.

* * *

'You could sleep on the bed,' Vanya told him, as she prepared the couch for him. She was pretty sure Five was too tall for her couch. He seriously grew a lot which was still a bit adjustment to her whenever she was standing too close.

'I'll be fine,' he replied, and she tried to tell herself that he was an adult, and she shouldn't question his decisions.

She put the pillow on the couch watching it for a moment not sure what to say which wouldn't make her sound weird or desperate but would also point out _please, still be here when I wake up_.

When she felt his hand against the side of her head slowly pulling her to look at him she offered him a small smile.

'Thanks, Vanya,' he looked better now, calmer. Not as lost or too aware about everything. She hoped it helped that he was here. She hoped she helped him.

Her palm pressed against his chest.

'You're welcome,' she said feeling warmer inside seeing him like this. Just…better. She really wanted him to be better and not the scary image from before in the bathroom and when she first saw him.

Their hands fell away, and she pushed away any illogical disappointment her mind might produce and went to her room wishing him a good night.

It was still a bit strange, and she felt very self-aware and hyped as she changed her clothes and got to bed. She knew he was there. Really there. Behind her door. It wasn't a dream or fantasy she made up to cope with it all. Five was really back and close. Everything felt the same but wasn't and it was both amazing and scary for her.

She turned off her nightstand lamp and closed her eyes. She needed to sleep. She tried to tell herself this was no different than when Diego stayed with her, that Five was her brother too and he just came for visit and to live with her for an indefinite amount of time. She should have probably asked him about that though. If he didn't want to tell her what he had been up to it was fine, but she should have asked what his plans were. He didn't want to get involved with dad yet which was good, but apart from that…

Vanya really needed to turn off her brain and get some rest. She wouldn't be able to figure this out tonight without Five's input either way.

She let out a sighed forcing herself to accept that and just be glad that Five was here alive and safe now. The rest will find a way to result itself.

* * *

Vanya felt confused when she woke up. She wasn't sure why, but she did as she rolled to her side and tried to slowly crack one eye open to look around. Was it time for work already?

It was dark around her. It was still night or early morning.

She rolled to the other side and checked her alarm clock.

It was early. Too early. She never woke up this early even when she slept the whole previous day because she just didn't feel like getting up.

Just then she remembered about Five and got up having a bad feeling about it.

She opened the door as carefully as possible already trying to come up with an excuse if he caught her. She didn't want him to assume she was smothering him or anything. She just wanted to make sure he was alright.

Vanya carefully tiptoed to the living room but paused once she noticed that the couch was empty. Her heart dropped. Was it a dream? The blanket and pillow were still there so no.

He left.

He probably didn't have a choice or maybe he just didn't know how to say goodbye.

So he just… left.

Of course, he left. Did she expect him to stay forever in her living room? He probably had things to do, and she just served her purpose as giving him a place to stay for a while. That was fine…whatever.

She never told him to stay, and he never said he how long he would.

She grimaced at herself pushing the pain which was slowly creeping inside her heart to a different darker corner. She needed her pills.

The wooden floor in her bedroom let out a small crack as she was on her way to her bathroom cabinet to take her pills before she paused in the track.

She found Five on the floor. He was on the other side of her bed opposite from the door and from the looks of it asleep. His head was lying on his arm and from time to time he trembled like he was cold. He looked so at peace it caused Vanya to once again realize how stressed and alerted he was when he was awake. Even when they spoke and joked his eyes sometimes shifted around the room whenever they heard a noise from the outside or became a bit unfocused whenever he must have gone into that place he did when they were in the bathroom. It wasn't good. He wasn't well.

She was confused. Did he sleepwalk? Did he have a nightmare or another episode?

He could have wake her up. Maybe he just didn't know how or didn't want to disturb her. Still, he didn't leave her. He stayed. He stayed close to her.

Vanya grabbed her pillow and blanket and lied down behind him carefully not to wake him up putting her arms around him and the blanket over them. He was warm and alive and in her arms. He was safe. Whatever he had to go through, now he was safe, and as long as he wanted to stay Vanya would gladly let him and keep him close. It was all she ever wanted. To be helpful. To fit somehow into the puzzle of their family, the academy. She couldn't do anything her siblings could, but she could care for and help Five whatever way he needed to. She would do anything he wanted to. Anything to make him feel better, get better.

She buried her face against his neck. She was getting familiar with his scent and breathing again. It lullabied her sleep faster than she would have thought.

_It's okay, Five. I got you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N:Hey, I hope everyone is alright and doing okay. Thank you for reading and the support as always. Have a nice day.


	3. Chapter 3

Vanya woke up with a start again somewhere in the middle of the night. This time to a pair of hands running over her body in feverish moves that puzzled her sleepy mind.

She blinked away some sleep and even in the darkness of her room recognized Five's silhouette on top of her as she laid with her back on the ground where she came to join him after he found him there and not on her couch.

Reality kicked in and Vanya dumbfounded laid still as she felt his hands roaming over her shoulder and stomach, arms and chest in too quick and feverish touches to be in any way mistaken for some romantic or seductive attempts of any kind. They were too urgent and desperate almost like he was fighting with her body but also not quite.

Despite the _just woken up state_ , the brunette quickly realized that something was wrong.

'F-five?' she asked worried and put her hands against his face as he continued to move on top of her not sure what his hands were searching for exactly, 'Five, it's okay,' she tried remembering the time when he first showed up, then when he teleported them from the hospital and then in the bathtub, 'I'm here. I'm okay.'

His hands didn't slow down, however. Maybe he was too far gone.

He wasn't crushing her. He wasn't even properly sitting on her or anything which would cause her pain just trying to… _feel_ her.

Without thinking she reached one of her hands and took a hold of his shirt before she started to drag him toward her having a feeling maybe all he really needed was reassurance just like before that she was really there, and that he really made it _home_.

She moved her hands into his hair and carefully laid his head against her chest turning into a temporary pillow for his head all the while whispering softly into the dark and hopefully his somewhat listening ear, 'Five, it's okay. I'm here.'

She imagined that was how a mother would have calmed down her son if he was having a nightmare with care and comfort and the feeling of being close to her heart to remind him that he was safe, and with her, and _home_.

As his head reached her chest his hands stopped moving over her shoulder and side, but his breathing was still a bit loo loud almost panting loudly, _almost_ violently in the silent night.

'I'm here, Five. You're back. You made it back to me,' she told him again and pushed him closer against her body hoping that even with her bony frame he could find enough softness to come back from whatever madness was consuming him, maybe even fall asleep again.

It felt like an hour or two passed with her fingers combing his hair into the rhythm of Vanya's slowing down the heartbeat. She was worried after she realized Five was once again suffering an episode but with how calm he appeared now it relaxed her as well.

'Vanya,' mumbled eventually and pushed his entire face against her chest, his nose close to the beginning of her shirt that even if it shouldn't, left her to feel some blood rush to her cheeks causing them to blush.

It was a normal reaction. She tried to convince herself of that. It was dark. It was a while for her to touch anyone like this. Her connection with Five was always strong, and he was an adult man pressed against her breasts, of course, she felt _something_. But that didn't mean it matter or meant anything. She was just being silly and her body was just working on primal levels.

'It's okay, Five. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, I promise,' she whispered into the dark her fingers gently stroking his hair like they did the night before convincing herself that _he was here_.

_He came back_.

_Oh Five, what had happened to you out there in the world?_

He nodded against her and let his hand rest on her shoulders keeping her close as if she wasn't already under him and with no way to get out even if she wanted to which she didn't. He should be heavy since he was so much taller than her, but the extra weight was actually welcoming. It had been a _long_ _while_ since she had anyone to sleep next to her, and even then, it was never this close or intimate. She knew her lower belly twisting in that wonderfully dreadful way was a mistake, but with no way out, she didn't have the strength to stop it so she just let it run its natural course telling herself she would be angry with her body reactions tomorrow. She had more pressing matters now than whatever her heart seemed to have in mind.

She wasn't sure if Five had another episode or a bad dream, but she wanted to shield him away from both of them the same. He didn't deserve this. He didn't deserve this fear and state of mind. Whatever he had been through and wouldn't tell her must have been horrible, and broke Vanya's heart over and over again just scaring herself with the possibilities of what it could have been.

Taking in a deep breath Vanya started to stroke his hair again not realizing she stopped and wondered if she shouldn't have been more upset that she woke up to him touching her like that but given how freaked out he looked and still felt, she didn't have it in her. Besides, ever since she was a child, she had this primal instinct that she could trust Five. With her secrets, with her worries even with her life. Whenever she needed to help one of their other siblings, she occasionally wondered if she wouldn't get hurt _accidentally_ of course, but still. Never with Five though. With him, Vanya always knew he would rather get hurt himself than hurt her. She wondered if that wasn't the case why he didn't wake her up and instead sneaked into her bedroom if he wanted to be close to her. He rather suffered a bad back in the morning than cause her discomfort.

_Idiot_

Either way, it was a problem for the morning, so for now she again closed her eyes and tried to fall asleep on the floor again. Tomorrow she would tell him they were sharing the bed whether he liked it or not.

_'Honestly, you worry too much, Vanya,'_ she could still hear his young voice knowing he was smirking in that brave and cocky way so typical for him, _'What's the worst thing that could dad do to us?'_

_'Tear us away from each other.'_

* * *

In the morning, Vanya silently cursed Five to the deepest hells when she woke up in the morning her back _killing_ her, before she realized she didn't really mean it, well, maybe just a _little_ bit. Her back really hurt, and she couldn't recall the last time she slept on a floor. Maybe when Klaus got high as hell after Ben's passing and asked her to stay in his room but then spread over the whole bed like a starfish? Yeah, it definitely hurt more now.

_Stupid grownup body._

It took a moment for Five to fully wake up, but once he did, he literally shot his head up and looked at her startled. It was clear, he didn't recall the events of last night. His green eyes were filled with shock ad panic upon being _this_ close to her, in such a _position._

Vanya's annoyance from the back pain melted away quickly upon seeing him look _so_ rested and better than before even with such a facial expression, not to mention _seeing him_ and knowing he was still here, and he was _real_.

She offered him a smile a bit pretended just so she could calm him down and let her hand careless his hair once more while looking at him never breaking the eye contact to assure him that this was alright, 'Good morning.'

Five's eyes moved over her face with intense focus taking in every inch of her.

She wondered what he was looking for before he asked, 'Is-is this…real?'

'Yes,' she said softly and offered him a more honest small smile.

He didn't return it but some of the horrors shifted into something less urgent and horrified, 'It's not a dream?'

She shook her head and watched as he leaned down again for a moment feeling her cheeks warm up as now he purposely brushed against her chest before he quickly shook his head and abruptly sat up.

She saw the look of newfound shock cross his face. Instant fear which she mistook as another episode.

Her hands reached for his face running her fingers over his cheeks and beard carefully stroking him just like she did in the night to make him feel her love and care, 'Hey, it's okay. I'm here. You're back.'

Five blinked the scared look crushing Vanya's heart all over again, 'Did I hurt you?' The desperation in his voice and dread almost touchable and Vanya wanted to snatch it and toss it away, to clear him from it all.

He shook his head again probably coming back to himself and what happened last night and tried to get away from her as if he really believed he hurt her and could do so again.

'Why were you on the ground and…,' he stopped talking his breathing increasing all over again.

'You didn't do anything,' she said calmly seeking his eyes, but he purposely chose to look at her right shoulder, so she tried to explain, 'I-I didn't want you to sleep alone on the floor when it was so cold and that's all.'

He continued to shake his head, 'Don't lie to me. Don't try to protect me.'

'I'm not,' she told him and pushed his face to make them at eye level so he would have to look at her, even if he ever so stubbornly refused to.

'Damn it, Five, look at me,' she ordered him a bit more heated than either of them were used to from her, and the mere shock caused Five's eye to blink to hers, 'You didn't do anything. You must have woke up in the night looking for me to make sure I was still here, maybe to make sure you were still here.'

She stroked his cheeks with her thumbs, 'You didn't hurt me, Five. You could _never_ hurt me-'

'You don't know what-'

'I know you,' she said firmly, 'Years apart or not, I _do_ know you, Five,' she sighed for a moment to continue her voice a bit lower again, 'So I know. If…if you can't trust yourself, trust me. You can trust me. _Always_ ,' she said and watched his eyes searching for some indication that her words made an impact on his psyche. It felt like forever but finally, she saw some of the pain, fear, and shock fade away as he was coming to acceptance.

'Please, don't leave me again,' she said voicing what she feared the most about his episodes and post-episodes guilt.

Five shook his head putting his hands over hers on his face, 'Never. Not ever. Vanya if I'm leaving it's only with your hand in mine. Just like it was supposed to be…Like I promised. Like I should have…Vanya, I'm…I shouldn't have left you.'

She nodded and leaned closer to him pressing her forehead against his, 'What's done it's done. We can't change that. I'm just glad you're back. I….gosh, I missed you so damn much.'

His hands let hers go only to wrap around her shoulder and back pushing her closer to him until she was basically sitting on top of his legs the blanket lost somewhere on the floor, 'Me too. Jesus, Vanya, you can't-you can't imagine.'

They stayed like that again for god knew how long. It always seemed to fall back here to them hugging one another to feel each other's presence and closeness to know they were back together, alive, and safe. To know they were with each other and wouldn't be taken apart again. It was almost magnetic how they needed to keep close to each other, and Vanya never wanted it to fade, she wouldn't allow it to.

Maybe days, weeks, months, years, and ages passed before they finally let the other out of their embrace of love, care, and devotion still craving, still desperate for each other's closeness.

'Breakfast?' suggested Vanya letting her hand run over his shoulder, and he nodded his beard scratching the side of her head not in a completely uncomfortable way.

* * *

They worked on breakfast together mostly in silence. It wasn't necessary due to what happened tonight. Growing up they were inseparable at times, and it was easy to fall into comfortable habits doing their own things like reading, playing the violin, or working on equations. Sometimes they were joined by Ben since he also understood the beauty of being able to stay in someone's presence without the need to be loud. Ironically, Vanya never enjoyed loud sounds or noises.

' _It does make sense that you hate it, Vanya_ ,' said thirteen years old Five with distaste as he covered his ears to tune out the horrible racket that was Diego's music choice when he was in his heavy metal phase, ' _This is not really music, and you're a musician._ ' Usually, he would break them all out of their misery by hiding Diego's CDs.

She tried to give him space so he wouldn't notice she was still worried about him and what was going on, inside his head. But only really showed it when she paused what she was doing as he tried to make coffee.

'Relax,' he said without looking at her, his brows twisted and eyes narrowed. He was clearly annoyed with her trying to babe him about it so she knew she made a good call by trying to pretend before she wasn't.

He managed to make them both two cups without much trouble that allowed her to roll her eyes and comment jokily, ' _Of course_ , you wouldn't forget how to make coffee.'

His annoyance melted away upon hearing that and he shot her a famous smirk, 'Never.'

They sat down and ate in the most bizarrely comfortable and domestic way, Vanya could imagine they would after over a decade apart. Everything felt almost normal inside her apartment, and if Vanya was less sure about her state of mind, she would almost wonder if she hadn't gotten mad and hallucinated all of this.

_Gosh, I hope not._

He finished first but waited for her sipping his second cup.

It was nice until Vanya noticed his right hand. It was moving in very slow but quick strokes in the air. It took her a moment, but she realized he was _writing_ something without an actual pen and paper.

Puzzled she glanced at his face, but he seemed to be occupied by looking out of her window with a fire escape lost in thoughts.

'It's a nice day,' she said suddenly and noticed how instantly his hand stopped moving as he turned to her with a calm look on his face.

'W-would you like to go for a walk later?' she asked softly catching the brief hesitation before it was pushed away to a more neutral look, 'Maybe later.'

_So no._

She glanced at his hand again wondering what it was all about. Five had some quirky habits like any mad genius she supposed, but this was new even for her. It made her wonder if he was subconsciously calculating his equations. The moves looked similar enough at least.

Hopefully, it didn't mean he would be leaving soon, not after he promised her, he would only leave with her.

* * *

After breakfast, they ended up by her laptop again in a lazy Sunday kind of way that only added to the simple and domestic feeling of it all. This was new to her. She never had any of her boyfriends if they could even be called that over just to watch TV shows or spent time. She knew she was a very anxious and shy person by nature. The thought of having to sit around with people she didn't know so well and spent time with them made her feel dread inside her stomach about how she would act and if it wouldn't all be awkward and uncomfortable. With Five such thoughts didn't even enter her mind. It seemed they instantly found their footing around one another and could function together well without such awkwardness. It made her feel so good and at peace about everything. She really wouldn't mind if all of her vacations were like this, just the two of them inside with each other's company.

'If you're bored we could do something else,' she said with a small smile when he leaned his head over his arm with his eyes close. If it was anyone else she would be freaked out about the idea of them being bored, but with Five she felt more relaxed and opened to be herself and not care about such appearances.

'That's not it,' he said and the softness smile pulled the corner of his lips before his green eyes opened and looked over at her with more joy than she had seen in the last two days.

'What?' she asked almost amazed he could look so _relaxed_ and soft if he wasn't sleeping.

He didn't answer which compelled her to lean closer to him, 'What? Five, tell me.'

His smile manifested into a mischief grin. He wanted to tease her now. She was sure of it.

'I think I will keep it to myself for now,' he said only adding flame to her curiosity.

_Oh, she did not miss that at all._

She rolled her eyes and with all the pleasure she could muster said, ' _Brat._ '

He chuckled with amusement behind his green eyes. He _loved_ to press her buttons at times when they were growing up. She always forgot about that. It was so long since someone tried to be this at ease with her to joke and goof around, 'That's the best you can do?'

_'Spoiled brat,'_ she tried to add some authority into it remembering that one time they took turns in pretending to be each of their family members only for both of them to start laughing whatever they were watching forgotten.

'I don't think I will ever recover from hearing you say that,' he said as he rose his head shaking it a bit at her but the smirk still decorating his face, 'My image of you is absolutely ruined, dear Vanya.'

'See what you pushed me to do?' she raised her feet on the couch with her own smile so wide it almost hurt. It had been ages since she laughed properly. It felt so damn good and warm after laughing out like that, she dared to think it was better than sex.

'And I was such a nice girl before,' she saw something shift through his eyes before it was gone, and he snorted, 'Right. Especially when you agreed to help Klaus _prank_ me. Real nice girl you were.'

'It was one time. Get over yourself,' she said and looked to the front of them at the forgotten show before she returned to look back at him noting that he had his eyes on her the entire time.

His eyes spoke volume his words didn't, but Vanya could tell some of the amusement and teasing melted into something else more delicate that caused her heart to skip a beat with the way how intensely focused his gaze appeared on her. It was as if she was the only person in the world at the moment. The only person in Five's world at least and that carried great weight and pressure in its own way, not all of it bad, but not all of it something Vanya could take lightly or handle after only such a short time, 'It's exactly the way I pictured it.'

Her voice felt stranded as she spoke, worried she would break the beautifully tender moment between them, 'What is?'

' _This_ ,' he said and his breath tickled her face a bit. Did he move closer or did she? She felt warmth crept into her face. She had no doubt the red blush found a home there once again.

She wet her lips for a moment but kept her eyes on his her heat threatening to burst out of her chest. She wanted to ask more. She wanted to ask what _this_ was, but as always Five beat her to it. Always wanting to be better, first, and on top of things, he considered worth it.

'Coming back here, back to you,' he said with such vulnerability as if he was he admitting to the most humiliating secret.

'Five…,' her breath must have disappeared between his slightly parted lips, 'where did you go?'

She regretted the moment she let it out seeing the look of devastation crossed his face, so painful it caused her heart to stop and shatter just like every other time she saw him like this. _This weak, this broken, this so not the Five she knew_.

Just like that the moment was disturbed and ruined.

She put her hand against his face before he had the time to lean away, no doubt planning to in order to save his dignity and gather some strength to define her, 'Five, please. Talking about it helps.'

He grabbed her wrist and pulled her hand away causing Vanya to feel cold all of a sudden even if they were still touching, 'Right. Just like it helps you?'

She blinked pulling her hand back. She recognized him becoming defensive. She knew he could lash out and would if she didn't stop. She hoped she would have enough strength to survive it though.

'It does help, Five,' she started carefully, 'Especially when whatever it is that happened to you is causing you to act like this.'

'Like what?! Tell me, Vanya. Like what?' he snapped his gaze cold like ice threatening to turn her into a popsicle if she didn't stop, 'I'm worried. I just want you to be better.'

His lips turned into a twisted grimace, 'And what about you? Huh?! Are you talking out what you have been keeping inside?'

She swallowed shaking her head her voice broke a bit, 'I don't-'

The corner of his lips fell causing his face to look even angrier than before with the way he was frowning at her, 'You think I wouldn't notice? You think I don't know you? I spent almost a decade and a half trying thinking about you and remembering you. No one thought about you more than me,' Despite the argument and the upset voice, Five's words sparked something inside her she tried to push away for later constantly stopping her mind from trying to analyze what he said, 'no one knows you more than me. So if you're going around pointing fingers for not sharing baggage how about you start with yourself?' he asked his voice trembling with fire he wasn't even pretending to hide anymore.

However, with how cold his eyes were all Vanya could allow herself to feel were chilling shivers, 'I'm not the one hurting, Five.'

'Don't try to bullshit me. You have no food in your whole apartment, no one seems to bat an eye over you taking a two-week vacation, you haven't touched your violin once, over the whole time that I'm here you didn't call or get a call from anyone, and you still run to your bottle of pills like they're your miracle salvation,' just as he finished his harsh truths the anger and icy look of his eyes melted away as he realized just how cruel he must have been toward her now, 'I just…don't act like you're not hurting too.'

Vanya was left speechless. She wasn't sure if Five only said it because she pushed him too hard or because he noticed all those things and cared about her wellbeing too, but she found her mouth shut tight closed not able to speak after that.

Five looked away and took in a deep breath.

Suddenly she wasn't sure how to sit properly on the couch all too aware of herself and how Five saw right through most of her lies.

She stood up and his eyes suddenly snapped back at her causing her to stir as if she was expecting him to reveal another unpleasant to heart truth about her.

'Please, don't-,' his voice broke at the end and whatever he wanted to say was lost.

She blinked while her lips parted and pressed together again whatever she wanted to say a mystery to her as well.

The Adam apple inside his throat moved as he tried to talk, 'I…I didn't want to upset you. I-please don't leave.'

She nodded mechanically, 'I'm not. I'm just going to the bathroom.'

'Vanya-'

'I'm not leaving. I just…'

'Please… I'm sorry,' he said, and she felt a stab knowing Five who ran away from home, so sure of himself and his actions would never apologize. Another thing that must have changed about him wherever he went and whatever he had been through. It caused some of his pride to shatter and the confidence although there was damaged not quite at the height it used to be growing up where Five looked like he thought he was better than anyone at everything he considered worth it.

'I know,' she started carefully thinking over her words so she wouldn't cause another argument and soften his worries, 'I'm not perfect. Far from it. Maybe it would be better for you if could talk or not talk to someone else.'

The panic look behind his eyes forced her to hurry up her speech, 'But nevertheless, I love you, Five,' his eyes widened for a brief moment, and she tried to convince herself it was perfectly normal for them to use such words before she continued, 'and I will always try to help you.'

She smiled a bit to herself seeing how his face lost some of the terrifying fear it carried before upon her words.

Her fingers reached out and brushed some of his bangs away from his forehead, 'I survived your _crazy junkie I know how to teleport_ phase and your _mad genius protégé_ phase even your _gone for twelve years_ phase.'

She looked into his eyes with more confidence than she really felt but hoped it would be enough of an assurance for him, 'I doubt there is anything you can do to or say that would make me want to leave you, Five.'

It felt like forever before Five offered her a slow nod, 'Thank you, Vanya. I'm sorry.'

'It's fine-'

'It's not. You're the one person I should have never said those things,' he said and the honesty of his words and the look behind his eyes caused her to feel tight warmth inside her chest spreading to the rest of her body. It was both pleasant and worrisome especially given everything else that was going on and how it made her feel.

'They're true.'

'They're cruel. I never…I never want to be cruel with you, I'm sorry, Vanya,' he said and took her hand planting a soft kiss to her skin as an apology only adding to the chaos inside her with shivers running over her spine now on the outside as well.

He then shot her a bitter smirk, 'See. I guess you were wrong about me never hurting you.'

She shook her head instantly, 'Five-'

He let go of her hand and nodded toward her room, 'You wanted to go-'

'You know very well we were talking about physical violence, you ass,' she said annoyed with him at the moment for always trying to turn everything against him. Painting him out to be worse than he was even if he hurt her now, she would never hold it against him. She pushed him too, and she knew it was all a defense mechanism. It honestly annoyed her, he tried to take more blame than she was willing to give him.

'Vanya, such vulgar language from such a nice girl,' he said with dry humor even if it was clear it wasn't the same joking they engaged in a moment ago.

Sighing, Vanya started to walk toward the bathroom hoping a bit distance would help them find some closure in all of this. She knew they weren't done. She knew she would bring the topic again and again until Five finally gave in and _talk_ about it. He needed it. She needed him to talk. Whatever he was going through wouldn't go away if he didn't open up. Not to mention satisfy her need to comfort and help him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N:Hey, sorry it took so long to update but life and other stories got in the way. I will try to update more frequently, but no promises. I hope everyone is safe and alright. Have a nice day


	4. Chapter 4

Waking up in the middle of the night became a new part of Vanya's sleeping routine. It didn't really bother her all that much. She took out all her vacation days, so she didn't really have a reason to be up really in the morning anyway. She could catch the extra hours in the morning. Five didn't find it all that important if they ate at 7 or 10 a.m.

After the last week, she learned to be high alerted to sounds in her apartment that meant movement.

She looked at the other side of the bed that now belonged to Five as she convinced him just sharing a bed was better than spending half the night on the floor. He tried to protest, but after another failed attempt to stay on the couch, he agreed. It wasn't bad. Vanya would even say it was _great_. It was new to fall asleep next to someone, to listen to their breathing, movements, feel their warmth and presence, but at the same time, it was very calming. She knew it helped Five to relax more, and often took his hand into hers before dozing off so it would be easier for him to remember he was really back, and she was real. It seemed to help as he started to ask her about it less and less. She hoped that was a good thing.

They didn't talk about what happened to him. Whenever Vanya tried, it always seemed to tense the situation which forced her to back down remembering their first fight after he came back.

_'They're cruel. I never…I never want to be cruel with you, I'm sorry, Vanya.'_

He looked so guilty and remorseful then like he really believed that was all it would take to lose her. Like she even had it in her to walk away from him like that as if he meant that _little_ to her. She doubted she would be able to walk away from him even if he was the worst kind of asshole toward her. But he would never be that. His words were cruel, but they were true. The truth hurt that was the whole point of it. No one wanted to see who they really were and what were they doing. But for now, they were in this fragile peace purposely avoiding such discussions to avoid any more fights and sorrow.

Five's side was empty which caused her stomach to drop and mind to fully wake up. He was having another episode. They continued to happen throughout the week he was back. From drifting away leaving his body just an empty shell she could do anything with, to insanity and fear that he wasn't really there and all around him was just an illusion or a dream in form of trying to convince himself by any means necessary that he was, to breaking into the fridge and trying to eat as much food as possible worried he wouldn't have any left before throwing up. It terrified Vanya every time even if she tried to hide it for his benefit. She was scared knowing that whatever he went through, _whatever_ it was, was so bad he was _this_ afraid, _this_ lost, _this_ broken.

_'I'm a mess,'_ he said as Vanya wiped his mouth with one of her towels after she found him throwing onto her kitchen floor one early morning, _'You're my brother, my best friend.'_

_'Burden,'_ he said shaking his head slowly coming back to himself the broken look behind his green eyes enough to make Vanya cry.

She took his face into her hands forcing him to look at her, _'Don't say that. Don't ever say that. You can't be a burden if I love you.'_ He seemed to calm down after that. She tried to say it often as a last result when things were getting too much for either of them. It felt easier to say then and worked wonders on Five. He always looked surprised no matter how many times she said it. He always glanced at her face like he wanted to make sure that she was telling the truth before he let out a soft sigh accepting it and calming down. She didn't ask him why. She didn't comment that he never said it back. It was hard to say things like that especially with the way they grew up. But it was what Vanya knew in her heart was true. She loved her siblings all of them, and Five…Five maybe a bit more, maybe a bit differently, maybe… she just loved him, and she wanted him to be okay, nothing else not even her conflicted feelings mattered at the moment.

She made her way into the kitchen area and living room already hearing something. It wasn't walking or chewing as she expected, but it was something like scratching.

The room was dark with the only light coming from a flashlight while Five was standing in front of her living room wall _writing_ on it a piece of rock.

Vanya blinked puzzled for a moment as this behavior was completely new.

She made her way toward him wondering where he even got those things before she realized they must have come from his mysterious black trash bag he kept hidden inside her closet. She never asked him what was inside as she assumed, he would have told her if he wanted to, like with the other things. Despite the desperation for answers and to make him better, Vanya respected Five enough not to try and see for herself believing it would be better if he _told_ her himself.

Taking in a deep breath mentally preparing herself, she walked toward him making sure to create enough noise he would be aware she was approaching but not enough to scare him, 'Five?'

'Busy,' he mumbled and continued to write.

The scene was a familiar one. If Vanya didn't know better, she would think this was happening twelve years ago back in the academy where she came to his room and found him completely possessed by his equations and time-traveling research.

'Five, it's late,' she said softly and tried to take a step closer, 'You need to rest, you can do this tomorrow during the daylight.' This was something she used often to lure him to bed when he tried to work at night killing his eyes and exhausting his brain. She was always so worried about him. She cared for him so damn much even then.

'I know, but I thought of something that could help. I want to finish it, I promise, I will just…give me a moment,' he said while his hand continued to work. It was different than the other times he was having an episode. Usually, during those times, he didn't talk or talked in a weak voice that it wasn't real and that he needed proof that it was. Now he sounded almost normal enough that if Vanya didn't know better, she would believe he was himself.

She licked her lips and asked, 'Five, do you know where you are?'

He stopped writing.

As Vanya was facing his profile, she could see his slightly confused frown, 'W-why would you ask me that, Delores? Do you think it's funny?'

Vanya's mouth closed in an instant as she felt like someone kicked her into the stomach and force all the air out of her. She was left speechless. So far, Five never spoke about anyone from his life during those twelve eyes away not good people or bad people. No one. This was the first time, Five ever mention anyone, and Vanya couldn't help a stab of hurt and irrational jealousy upon hearing it was a female. It was ridiculous. Completely insane. Five was gone twelve years. He had to meet _someone_. _How could he not?_ He had a life even if that life wasn't good. She couldn't hold it against him. She had no right. Wouldn't it be better to know in whatever he had been through he had someone he could talk to? Someone he liked and maybe cared for? But again, she didn't know that was even the case. He said a female name. It could have been anyone.

So why was it so hard for Vanya to open her mouth and say anything after he said that name?

Five turned to look at her for the first time probably taking her silence as a sign that something was wrong even when he wasn't thinking straight.

He watched her for a while the frown turning into no more than a slight confusion and then realization. The rock fell out of his hand and he reached it toward her face.

His fingers on her cheeks were warm and dusty from since writing on the wall with a rock worked like with chalk, but Vanya didn't care as her heart speeded up from the contact for some reason and heat crept into her cheeks melting the jealousy and negative feelings away as she watched Five's face _lightened_ up when he recognized her.

' _Vanya,_ ' he breathed out with amazement and fascination no one ever showed toward her.

His eyes ran over her face for a moment before he blinked chasing the last bits of his episode away becoming familiar with the reality again.

He looked around and then back at her, 'I did it again? Sorry,' he said and let his hand drop from her face all too soon leaving her cold all of the sudden.

She managed to overcome her conflict and nod, 'Uh, you wrote on the wall. Time-traveling?' she asked and pointed at some equation, 'I recognize the coefficient.'

Five glanced at the wall and sighed clearly annoyed that it happened again. He was always apologetic or annoyed about it getting more and more frustrated as if it was something he was doing on purpose. Five used to be a control freak. It made sense that the possibility that he wasn't in control all the time would terrify him and therefore made him angry. People could be very angry if they were afraid.

Vanya touched his shoulder, 'We'll clean it up in the morning. Let's go back to sleep.'

He glanced at her for a second before he nodded and looked back at the wall, 'It was faulty anyway.'

Vanya blinked and looked at the wall again remembering the hours and hours Five spent working on it when he was younger before he left, 'Oh, too bad. I think it was clever and made sense.' Whenever Five talked about it, he was radiating with confidence. She believed his every word.

Five shook his head not moving away from the wall now looking truly upset for a different reason, 'Dad was right. It was a crapshoot. Like jumping into a lake without moving and hoping to give birth to a purple elephant. I was an idiot for thinking it would work the way I wanted it to,' his face darkened making it almost hard to recognize him his whole body giving out the aura of failure and anger that came along with it.

It was then that she understood. Slowly with great care, Vanya's head turned back to look at Five the episode completely forgotten. Her brown eyes were glued to Five's face realizing what he said and meant by it her heart speeding up once again.

'You…you time traveled.'

It wasn't a question, and she saw the way Five's face twisted for a moment realizing it was really true and made somewhat sense. He was arguing with dad about it and then ran away. It was the last time she saw him. He was just gone. No one ever saw him, but did dad even look? Vanya didn't know for sure, but if he did, but never found him it could have been because Five actually did time travel like he always wanted to.

She swallowed not sure what to ask next or say next before Five rose his hands and let it wipe some of the numbers off the wall ruining his equations, 'Doesn't matter.'

'How come?' she asked weakly feeling like she was shaking for some reason. All she had seen and known. Time-traveling. Five time-traveled. It was his dream. His greatest achievement. _He did it._

'It ruined everything, my life, our family. If I had been there…maybe Ben…,' he forced his palm into a fist against the wall firmly, 'I wanted to come back…I wanted to come back so badly, but now that I'm here, I can't do anything about it. I don't know _how_ ,' he looked at Vanya angrily. It scared her a bit. She knew he wouldn't hurt her. He would never hurt her, but she didn't like seeing him this angry even if it wasn't at her, 'Five.'

His face softened a bit, but it was more like resignation than anything else.

Shaking his head, he started to walk toward the living room and bedroom, 'Let's go to sleep. No point in dwelling on it now.'

She watched him go trying to come up with a way to stop him and talk some more about it but didn't really know how.

She glanced at the ruined equations one last time before she turned off the flashlight and followed him to the bed. When she came, he was already on his side with his back toward her probably soaked in his own failure and misery.

Carefully, she crawled in behind him and moved as close to him as she could put her hand over his chest pulling herself closer protected by the dark of the night from the embarrassment that would result in a blush and doubts.

Five accepted her attempt to comfort him. He took her hand pulling her to his lips and pressing a soft kiss there. Their legs entwined under the covers.

'I love you. This is real, and you're here,' she whispered to him softly against his ear knowing he was still very awake lost in his thoughts, practically able to _hear_ the wheels inside his head working.

She heard him sigh still very much annoyed with himself and whatever he was dealing with, 'What good does it do if I can't stop bad things from happening? What's it worth that I made it back?' The bitterness and regret were there. Maybe over Ben and maybe over something else, but Vanya wouldn't allow him drowned in them.

She held him tighter and then let her lips press against his neck kissing the skin there before she said with confidence knowing she meant it with every possible inch of her mind and soul, 'You came back. That will never be a bad thing, Five. Not for me. It's the most important thing for me that you made it back.'

She closed her eyes feeling wide open and vulnerable at that moment more than ever before, 'I missed you.'

He kissed her palm again a bit longer this time. She could feel some of the anger and anxiety leaving his body as he relaxed more against her, 'I missed you too.'

They didn't say anything else until they fell asleep. Vanya held him throughout the rest of the night. It felt good to be able to take care of him. To be useful like that. She would do anything to help him and make him feel better. She hoped she would be able to, but for now, she was grateful she could at least try knowing, he had at least her to try and help him.

* * *

That morning they were quieter than usual. Neither of them was a chatter, but occasional small talk or talks were nice. It filled Vanya's days in a way, she didn't realize she craved. At the mansion, there was always chatter if dad wasn't around. When she came to live on her own, there wasn't any and that really hit her hard at first. At first, she would try to turn on the radio or listen to music, but it wasn't the same. It made her feel lonely. She was always lonely ever since she could remember. She wasn't sure if being alone without anyone around was worse or better than if there people behind closed doors who didn't care that she was alone.

She glanced at Five as he assisted the coffee machine. It was seemingly his favorite task which was no surprise. Even as a kid he used to sneak into the kitchen and make himself a cup despite mom and dad's protest. Where the hell did he get the coffee in the first place since dad hated it and never kept it in the house, Vanya would never know.

'What year did you end up in?' she finally dared the ask feeling like if she didn't even try she would explode. She knew it could leave things for the worse. They were essentially two people trapped in her tiny apartment if he pushed too far, and they ended up in another fight they couldn't exactly avoid each other. But she couldn't help herself any longer.

Five's hand paused on the counter. He was doing it again, she realized. He was subconsciously writing equations, '2003, 2010, and 2019,' his voice changed into a tighter one, 'The first two were just a couple of seconds, the last one stuck the longest.'

She took it in. So he got all the way to seventeen years into the future.

'D-did you meet any of us? Future us?' she asked her own voice sounding strange as everything inside her was tensing with expectations of what he would say next or if he would talk at all.

Five was quiet for a moment his hand not moving before he very quietly admitted, 'Not the way I wanted to.'

Vanya's next words died inside her throat as the way he said it, it sounded completely heartbreaking which forced her to imagine the absolute worse.

The machine finished the coffee, and Five took a moment to turn to look at her his face revealing his hurt before it changed into active worry, 'You look pale. Are you sick?'

She felt a bit dizzy, but that was probably her emotional state getting the best of her. Did she take a pill this morning? She forgot if she did. Lately, it happened a lot with her head always on Five worrying about him, but at the same time, she wasn't sure they were working all that well since she seemed to be emotional with pills or without. She was probably just pushing herself too hard, but how could she not. She cared for Five and wanted to help him any way she could.

He was by her side in a second helping her into the chair even if she didn't really need it, 'Just breath, would you like some water?'

_No, no, no!_

He shouldn't be asking her that. He shouldn't be taking care of her like that. She should be the one who took care of him. This was the second time, she got emotional when he tried to reveal something, and she hated it. She felt like she was purposely forcing him to keep it inside him.

'Who else was dead?' she asked him instead of answering looking up at him. She knew it was hard, but she needed to ask. She needed to press him a bit into talking and to see that she wasn't some fragile little girl who needed him to worry about her getting upset.

He still looked worried rather than hurt.

She took his hand into hers her eyes fixed on his hoping he could find some comfort, 'You sounded-you looked so…Five, what happened in 2019?'

He opened and closed his mind. She could tell he was about to give in. Let out another piece of the puzzle that was his life. She could see it behind his green eyes looking over her face giving in little by little, 'It…nothing.'

She sighed disappointed that she could feel him shutting up again.

'Five?' she squeezed his hand tighter, 'I want to help you.'

'You are,' he said quickly and closed his eyes, 'You're the only thing that brings me back.'

He looked away for a second looking so small and weak, Vanya had to stand up and pull his tall frame closer to hug him properly just to hold him for a moment, 'I want to help you more.'

'You help me enough,' he said and hugged her back both careless about their breakfast and coffee at the moment just holding one another close, needing each other.

She felt Five take a deep breath and then titled his head a bit to be able to kiss her temple. It warmed her up again. It reminded her of yesterday, and it made her feel better. It shouldn't. She shouldn't feel better if he didn't feel better.

She closed her eyes, 'I just want to help you. It kills me not to know what's happening to you. Why are you hurting? What happened to you? I love you. I want you to feel better,' she buried her face against his chest breathing him in. She was familiar with his scent now knowing she never wanted to forget it again ever again. She never wanted him to leave ever again scared at just the possibility that he might in the future.

'When you say that, I know it's real,' she heard his mumble even if she had one ear pressed against his shoulder.

She leaned away to glance up at him but kept on holding onto him for dear life.

His eyes were closed as he spoke bringing his chin to rest on top of her head blocking her view probably on purpose, 'When you say that you…,' he stopped talking and she knew what he meant. She was right. Saying those words was hard growing the way they did. Even now. Even though she knew he cared for her just as much, 'I know it's real because whenever I thought of you, or dreamed of you or hallucinated you, I could never…you would never say that if this wasn't real. My mind could never create anything where you would say those words out loud like that.'

She nodded against his chest closing her eyes again, 'I…I get that.'

'Did I embarrass you?' he asked and brushed her back, and she quickly shook her head, too quickly, 'No…,' she bit her lip and then admitted weakly, 'a little.'

He chuckled. It wasn't perfect or happy, but it was a start and Vanya took it as such bringing herself to calm down even more.

Five leaned down to plant a kiss on top of her head, 'I care for you too.'

'I know,' she said quickly and the two of them fell into silence knowing they could stay like that for a moment and protect each other from their own anxieties. Vanya was glad he didn't say it in a way. She was worried if he did, and she would know he meant it like a friend or brother it would hurt too much.

'The coffee's getting cold,' she commented after what felt like ages, but Five didn't let her go, 'I drank worse.'

She involuntarily almost fell again into those dreadful feelings of guilt and worry before he said, 'Remember that time. Diego _helped_ mom with tea.'

She chuckled at the memory, 'He put baking soda instead of sugar. It tasted awful.'

'We could have died. I will go on record claiming that it was a murder attempt,' he said bringing a smile to her face as she could hear his smirk as he spoke.

'Well, all those knives, the tendencies were there,' agreed Vanya feeling Five shook with laugher now quickly.

When they finally parted to get their coffee and breakfast, she felt better even if she knew she shouldn't. Once again, Five started to open up only to shut back down, and there was only so long Vanya would keep her protest to herself until she would confront him again. For now, she decided to rest the case for another couple of days. She still had a whole week worth of vacation days before she would have to make a decision if she wanted to continue her work with her current orchestra or not. But she still had some time for that. For now, she had money from the book and it wasn't the only music hall in the city. She could probably survive on her own while taking care of Five and maybe getting back to music again. Maybe if she took the pressure out of it, she wouldn't feel like she was failing all the time not even carrying about it.

She tried not to get into it too much, she was already dealing with a lot with Five, but it did scare and made her feel sad that she was losing the music. After Five left and Ben died it was the only thing she had. The only thing she could always count on. She kept the violin in her room or carried it around. It wouldn't leave her. It was the one thing she always had, who would she be without it? Could she survive without it?

She doubted it. She couldn't imagine it. Just like she couldn't imagine losing Five again. The thought chilled her bones and brought even more anxiety into her soul than she already felt based on all that happened and was going on. It seemed the only thing that helped was being around Five and falling back into the familiarity of having him in her life. It was easy in a way. When there were no episodes and subtle little clues of something being wrong, it was just like when they were kids. Comfortable, relaxing, lovely.

She smiled around him more than she did in the last couple of years. It was always easy with Five. There was a connection between them ever since she could remember. He wasn't like the others toward her. He was still a jerk at times, but that was just who he was, but where it counted, when she needed him, he was Five and he was there for her.

But she knew she couldn't allow herself to fall completely into the comfort of having him back. She needed to keep in mind, he got hurt whenever he was physically and mentally. If she understood it correctly 2019 was bad like more of their siblings' dead bad. It sickened her to imagine that even with everything bad between them, and her thoughts getting the best of her, she would never really want bad things to happen to them. She loved her siblings. She could be upset with them, and not like them a bit at short-lived moments, but she would always love them. They were family even if a messed up one. They were all they had. Five was right. She might not have been a part of the Academy, but she always was and would be a Hargreeves.

* * *

They spent most of the day in their usual routine watching TV shows and movies, booking, and talking. Everything which felt a million times better with the company as Vanya learned. Five acted more himself asking her sometime after dinner if she had a chessboard, 'I remember you got close a few times to beat me.'

'Yeah, I would have too if you didn't cheat,' she said pointing an accusing finger at her.

'Ah, right, I also remember now what a sour loser you were,' he said grinning at her the teasing light and warm.

She pretended to be offended and went to find a chess set she bought ages ago not really knowing why. They started to play. She got close, but once again never actually bested Five. Probably for the best, with an ego as big as his, she couldn't imagine what would be the outburst. If she thought she was a _sour_ loser, she couldn't even picture him.

Five glanced at her clock on the wall, 'It's close 2 A.M.'

He was right. It surprised her that they managed to stay up that long even if their sleeping schedules were off, and they kept on waking up later and later. She supposed it was due to having fun and enjoying themselves that they lost track of time. It was a while since Vanya felt this relaxed and happy feeling like smiling the whole time. Five looked much better too, teasing her and trying to get on her nerve to distract her and throw her off her game.

Vanya moved on the couch still hugging her legs, 'Do you want to go to bed?' She figured she would be fine either way. They could play again tomorrow or do something else.

His face was unreadable for a moment before he looked at the chessboard again, 'Would you like to go for a walk?'

'Sure,' she said immediately before she even fully processed what he asked. Over the course of the week, he was insane Five clearly avoided going out. She wasn't sure why, but she knew it had something to do with his trauma. With the future. 2019 the year the rest of her siblings were dead.

Five looked at her, and as she realized she didn't move after she agreed she quickly jumped to her feet and rushed to the bedroom, 'I will get dressed.'

'It's just a walk,' he called after her with some amusement, and she rolled her eyes until she heard him mumble something like '… _if it was a date_.'

She paused with her hand on the handle and walked out again, 'What did you say?'

'Nothing!' he snapped quickly and turned completely away from her hiding against the couch, 'Hurry up.'

She wasn't sure what to make out of it, so she decided to just find some jeans and a jacket to go throwing an aa hoodie she figured would be his or a size better at him.

* * *

There were fewer people and noises outside. Whatever happened to him maybe it seemed to help that it was just to the two of them like shadows walking around in secret. No one except her still knew he was back. He didn't seem to mind or care. That rubbed her the wrong way. If the others were dead like she assumed from what little he allowed her to see, wouldn't he want to see them the way he wanted to see her? Wouldn't he want to know they were okay?

They got dressed and headed out for the first time in a week. The night was nice, warm, and quiet. It was Tuesday so there weren't many people up in Vanya's neighborhood. They rarely met anyone around, and if it looked like a group of people was coming their way they changed the direction altogether.

She would be lying if she didn't admit that it felt good to be outside in the fresh air.

Vanya thought they were going rather randomly until Five stopped in front of one of the shopping malls nearby.

She stopped in track as well watching as he started to look shifty about something. She wondered if he was preparing himself to tell her something before she took a step closer to him hoping to look better, more confident, and stronger enough for him to believe she could handle it, 'What's wrong?'

He looked at the ground for a second before he looked back at her carefully, 'I want to show you, someone.'

Vanya blinked. He looked worried. Not scared or panicked but definitely worried. Whatever or whoever he wanted to tell her or show her she forced herself to calm down and be strong for him.

She tried to offer him an encouraging look, 'I'm ready if you are.'

He offered her his hand, 'I will have to blink us in.'

She looked at his hand and took it before she looked up at him, 'Lead the way, Five.'

She tried to brace herself for the jump, but it still left her feeling sick for a second before Five carefully helped her sit down. They were inside one of the stores with clothing.

'Aren't there cameras ?' she whispered not really all that worried about them. She trusted Five.

'I can go to the office and erase them afterward like I used to back home,' he said stroking her back as she took in breaths to calm down nausea. He was referring to the time they used to sneak out of the house together.

They were sitting on the floor for a while before she finally felt her stomach returning to normal.

Vanya looked around. The place was dark with some light coming from the outside windows. They were in the middle of the store in front of three mannequins dressed in fancy clothes.

'The one in the middle is Delores,' he said suddenly, and Vanya's eyes moved to the one with the dark-haired wig and polka blouse. Delores was a mannequin.

When Vanya glanced over at Five, he was staring at the ground. He looked nervous. She understood why. She knew he wondered if she thought he was crazy.

'She's pretty. Kind of like an actress from the '60s,' she said honestly watching the corner of Five's lips move upwards before they fell down again.

He didn't look at her and even though his voice was firm everything about him made her want to reach out and pull him into her arms. He looked broken, really broken, and Vanya wondered just how hard it must have been for him to talk about it and just how much he was hiding inside him if a person could carry that much _pain_ but still smile and laugh at times.

'I found her in 2019. Just _her_ , the only survivor like me. For a second I thought it was you,' he glanced at her his eyes shining with tears he didn't let out, 'I found the others sooner, but not you. Not Ben, not dad, ' he shrugged his shoulders looking back at the ground, 'Everyone was older so I guessed you would be too, and for a second she looked like _you_. For the next twelve years, she was the only one I had. We talked…,' he swallowed and then nodded, ' _I_ talked, she listened, sometimes she talked back…when that happened, she sounded like you…So I often thought it was you, but,' he chuckled a bit and looked away from her completely, 'I had to tell myself it wasn't because…I needed to continue, to try and get back to you. I was scared that if I fell for it…if I believed it…if I thought she was you…I would…I would give up and accept that I was there…stuck.'

She understood what he meant. If he accepted Delores was her, he would give up on whatever he was doing to get back home.

A shiver ran through her, she took his hand, 'You found the others?'

'Dead,' he said confirming what she already assumed. He looked at the ground for a moment, 'Everyone was dead. The whole world,' he looked at her again with eyes full of sorrow and agony, 'Something happened. On April the 1st 2019 the world ended or I think it did because any piece of newspapers or evidence pointed to it so I have to assume it happened then,' he licked his lips and brushed his palms against his pants. He was nervous maybe even anxious. She could tell, 'At night, the moon in the sky was damaged, so my guess is either it was the cause of whatever happened or result of whatever happened on earth. Either way. The others tried to stop it. I found them together, Luther was holding onto this,' he said and pulled something out of his pants.

Vanya tried not to let out a startled sound upon seeing the eye before she properly examined it with her gaze, 'It's fake?'

'Yeah, I think it will be too soon to actually go and ask the manufacturer about it, so I tried to at least work on the investigation in my head, but….,' he grimaced and closed his eyes, 'I get stuck…in memories and there…and I feel that I'm still there and all of this is just a fantasy or hallucination until you…,' he looked into her eyes showing just how vulnerable he was and small in that moment, 'until you bring me back. You always bring me back, Vanya.'

Vanya was biting into the side of her cheek as hard as she could not to throw her hands around him and cry feeling that if she did Five wouldn't be able to continue.

She took his hand again linking their fingers and hoping she looked supportive enough for him to carry on. She probably did because Five rewarded her with a small sad smile before he continued, 'Whatever happened killed everyone as far as I can tell. There was just silence. At first, there was fire and still crumbling down buildings and damaged things, but after a while, even those quiet down, and there was just absolute silence. I guess that was when I started to talk to Delores,' he looked up at the mannequin in question lost in his thoughts, 'Remember how much I use to hate everyone who would bother me when I was working. I was such a jerk to everyone when they disturb my calculations and then…there was silence. At first, it didn't bother me. I thought it was temporary. I would make it out. I was a part of the Umbrella Academy. Dad trained me well, and I was the best in adapting to whatever situation he threw at us. This would be another test, and I would succeed in it and go home.'

She allowed her thumb to brush the back of his hand as he slowly started to shake his head, 'But I couldn't. I spent hours and days just working without doing anything else, but I couldn't figure it out. I had to constantly remind myself to drink water and look for food and travel just function because the more I worked the more I couldn't figure it out and got lost every damn time. There was nothing. No people, no animals, no life, no food, no useful things. Just garbage. Just things partly damage, partly broken, partly burnt. I had to walk for hours and hours until I found something to stack for later. It was endless and hopeless, and I think I lost myself both in the failed calculations and loneliness,' he looked up at Delores again the light from above perfectly illuminating her face as if she was standing on the stage.

Vanya was speechless trying to hold onto his hand in order to process what he just told her. It all made sense. All of it. All the episodes, why he sometimes needed to eat everything afraid it would be gone, why he always said he had worse, why he said he missed her more and was so worried about her leaving him alone, why he was less confident in himself and…

'I…I still can't believe I'm here. I didn't…I worked for twelve years and nothing, I…I shouldn't be here,' he looked at Vanya, 'I literally shouldn't.'

She squeezed his hand her voice shaking with emotions as she spoke feeling like she would fall apart herself any moment realizing the full weight of his words and what happened to him, 'But you are. You made it back. You…you got out and you're home now. You…we have four years to figure it out. We have time. You can heal, and I will help you in any way I can. I can go ask about the eye myself or whatever things you need without you having to go anywhere,' she said practically rambling anything that came into her mind still shocked and shaken by it all.

_The end of the world_

'No,' he shook his head, 'I didn't even know what day or year it was, Vanya. I literally lost it. The first time I came to myself was when you touched my face that had to be at least days after I was of sane mind,' he told her shaking his head with determination, 'I was starving and thirsty and everything hurt and then I got possessed by my calculations again and then just- _you_ ,' he squeezed her hand just as tight as she had his a moment ago, 'I didn't jump, Vanya. I know I didn't. I have no idea how did I end up back. Let alone in your apartment. I didn't even know where your apartment was. How could I have?'

Vanya looked at their hands thinking about it. It was true. Five appeared in her living room and there was blue light coming from the living room after he was already there but he didn't teleport then. He already was inside, 'You tried to teleport I think…your hands were turning blue, but you didn't.'

Five blinked looking surprised but nodded, 'Because I couldn't. I tried for days, years but I never had the right equations, and I couldn't get anywhere not even a second sooner or later.'

Vanya looked at him, she was still confused by it. She thought he came back on his own, but it didn't really make sense he knew where she was if in 2019 everything was gone. He also didn't really recognize her. She told him who she was and said his name over and over again until he believed her, 'But if you didn't make it back on your own then how?'

Five shook his head his eyes looking tired and hard, 'I have no idea. But I'm sure more than anything that it couldn't be me, and whoever or however I got back I have to assume it was to stop it.'

She recognized the burden of what was expected from him all too well. Growing up she saw it in her siblings' faces many times. They were the Umbrella Academy raised for greatness. Nothing else mattered than what dad wanted, and they couldn't say no. They couldn't deny him. They couldn't be just kids. They were dad's soldiers.

They fell into silence for a moment both taking it all in. Five the fact that he opened up and admitted all that happened and Vanya the truth of what happened. She was stunned almost paralyzed with her thoughts running from one place to another. But she wasn't devastated. Not the way she feared she would be at least. Maybe it was the shock, but despite the fear of the potential doomsday and sadness of Five's fate for the last twelve years, she couldn't help but feel hope that the fact that he made it back and had at least one clue could somehow change the course of it all.

'Did you find your own body?' she asked carefully, 'You said not me, Ben or dad. What about yourself?' she asked carefully and watched him shake his head, 'No. I looked but there were only strangers close to our siblings. No one else with a tattoo.'

He looked at her, 'It probably means I didn't make it back the first time at all.'

She swallowed her throat going dry with the possibility that in some timeline, some alternative version of their universe, Five didn't come back _ever_.

She let her other hand touched his cheek and beard, 'But this time you did. This time it means something that you are here. This time you have a shot. You can heal with time. Get better. I will help you in any way, I can. You know that. And once you're ready you can investigate and figure it out. There has to be a reason why it happened when you were gone, and why you go brought back. I know it.'

Five was silent for a moment watching her, his green eyes falling into hers with fear, intensity but also hope she figured mirrored her own. It was easy to be afraid, but with them together like this touching, comforting each other with their presence and warm Vanya couldn't fall into hopelessness no matter how tempting it was. She could tell Five couldn't either even before he slowly nodded, 'Yeah, as long as we're both alive we'll always have a shot. And I'm glad that you're on board. I will need you a lot. No slacking off,' he joked weakly, but she appreciated the effort anyway.

She smiled softly at him, and he matched it with his own soft attempt at a smile once again both of them left in the privacy of their own thoughts.

After a while, she let her hand fall from his face but remained holding his hand with the other one.

She looked back up at Delores, 'Do you want to take her with us?'

His eyes blinked revealing the surprise behind them, 'What?'

She shrugged her shoulders trying to find a lighter topic even if just for a moment, 'I have some space near the couch for her. You miss her, I understand if you want to keep her near again,' Vanya knew loneliness better than anyone. She knew how devastating it felt for her that she was losing her music, her violin with doubts, so she could imagine that for Five it must have been a million times worse. He was completely alone. Just him. And all he had was her, Delores. Vanya would understand if he wanted to take her with him again only to resume some more of his sanity to know he had someone even if he would find himself back in the prison of his memories.

Five glanced at her for a couple of moments with a gentle look before he smiled and shook his head, 'She should be with her people.' His smile widened a bit as he must have thought of some secret or a happy memory from before he said, 'Anyway, I'm kind of surprised she's already here though. The clothes are different than those I found her in, but the wig is the same.'

Vanya looked at her again sensing the change of topic was probably to lighten up the previous conversation about _doomsday_ apparently.

She took an objective look at the mannequin, 'She's very pretty. I would date her.'

She held back a smirk as Five flinched next to her looking at her for a couple of moments. She let him soak in it for a moment before she chuckled, 'Don't look so surprised, I told you I liked Noami Watts.'

'You also said you liked the guy who played Dano Darko when we snuck into a movie theater that one time,' he recalled the time they decided to go to movies instead of their usual spot in Griddy's, and she shrugged her shoulders trying to look as casual as possible, 'Yeah, it took me a while to figure out why though.' She could have kept it as a joke. It wasn't something she thought about often. She just knew it and carried on with her life. Nothing really changed. She didn't really change. You couldn't change who you were. But it could change how people saw her. What they thought of her. That was something that always held her back whenever she thought about saying it out loud. It wasn't a secret. She figured it would be a secret if she kept it hidden if she lied about it. But she didn't do any of that since no one ever asked.

Five watched her for a moment, and she would be lying if she didn't admit she held her breath a bit before she heard him chuckle. She felt like some weight fell off her chest when she watched the smirk spread across his face as his eyes filled with amusement looked at Delores, 'Well, you would make a cute couple.'

'Did you ever thought about being in a couple with her?' she asked pretending to sound innocent enough.

'All the time,' said Five and then grimaced, 'Loneliness can do that to a person you know.'

Vanya rubbed his shoulder in conform smiling at him softly, 'For what it's worth, I'm glad you had her. If she helped you at least a bit to make it all less miserable, I'm really happy she was there for you.'

Five nodded and mumbled a soft thanks before they once again fell into the comfort of their own thoughts, 'So how did you find out? I imagine it was less dramatic than when Klaus came to the Senator's ball wearing Allison's second favorite pink dress.'

Vanya bursted out of laughter in surprise remembering the moment Klaus came down the stairs as she was saying goodbye to the others dressed in Allison's clothes. If dad had a heart, she would say that he was close to getting a heart attack.

When she stopped laughing still feeling light and amused by the memory she looked back at him taking in his soft smile with the same fondness she always felt when she saw him smile like that directly at her playing with her heart and emotions without meaning to.

'Well, I've only ever been with two guys,' she bit the corner of her mouth looking away feeling strangely ashamed to admit that which was ridiculous since Five more or less admitted he never was with _anyone_ ,' but I know I also like women. Not like I like any particular woman right now. But in general, I know I like both,' she said realizing it was the first time she was able to say it out loud and that it was the truth, 'I knew it since I was a kid. I liked the models and actors in Allison's magazine just as much as I liked…,' _you_ , 'boys.'

She felt like that for as long as she could remember admiring both genders. It just took her a while to get to understand that it wasn't just about their clothes or hair but that she actually liked them as people not really all that bothered that some of those people were women too.

She finally allowed herself to look over at Five. Even before Five showed up and brought with him the feelings she kept locked for twelve years Vanya's love life was hitting below zero. There had been occasional sparks of interest, but just as quickly as they came, she chickened out. Even if she wasn't busy with him, she wasn't thinking about doing something with it. She didn't look forward to going on crappy dates with people who caught her interested for a few minutes at a time. She looked for deeper meaning and connection, and so far, she hadn't really felt anything like that from anyone. She wondered if it was her own fault. If she was just too hard on people and expected too much. Maybe she just needed to try it and not wait for well- _Five_ or someone who would cause her to feel as special as she did when she was a kid. However, now that he actually came back, she didn't think it was that crazy not to want to waste time with people she didn't feel anything even remotely close to what she felt around Five. If she couldn't have the real thing, why bother? Why waste time? Why live unhappily with people who couldn't give you everything? Who couldn't make you feel everything? Especially when she knew it was possible to feel it all with the right person. How could anyone compete? How could anyone be a substitute for the real honest thing?

_They couldn't._

'I guess you must think I' m a different person now, ' she said trying to look casual even if inside she was struggling a bit at the moment. This was the first time she said it out loud and to Five of all the people. He was all alone in a wasteland for years. This could have been hard for him to understand. Not to mention, she never said it to anyone, and Five could be so opinionable with his decisions and ideas. She felt dreadful about what he would do or say next simply because she would hate it if he didn't accept it if he didn't accept her. It didn't really change anything for her. She was who she was, and she liked who she liked. But not everyone could see it that way. She knew people could assume anything. Not everyone could be supportive which was why she really needed Five to be.

When she felt his thumb stroked hers and realized he hadn't let her hand go all through their talk, she let out a revealed sigh, she knew he heard and smiled a bit wider, 'No, you're still you. You're still Vanya. Just more honest with yourself,' he shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly,' If you would like oatmeal that would make you a different person-, she chuckled and remained smiling relief filling her entire body knowing they were still good. He understood that part of who she was, and he still looked at her the same. It meant a lot, 'I wouldn't even know who you are. Like, do you now also like broccoli? What about apples-'

'Stop!' she told him grinning. It was hard not to.

Five chuckled and shook his head, 'You're still Vanya. That's all that matters to me. It always has, you know that.'

She nodded, 'Yeah.'

She lowered her head a bit looking at the ground still smiling a bit, 'Thanks.'

He shook his head again, 'You don't need to thank me for that,' his eyes wandered to Delores again, and Vanya wondered if he wasn't talking to her even now with his mind before he looked back at her with a bit of a serious look, 'I love you.'

She blinked not able to hide her surprise as she assumed, they got out of the serious talk for now and the last thing she expected was that he would admit it. What Five said this morning was true. For him those words were sacred. He meant it when he said he cared for her, and clearly even felt those words she told him so often to bring him back, but he never actually said them.

'I know, I love you too,' she said finally as she nodded again, but Five shook his hand and leaned closer to her. Their knees bumped and he took her other hand now holding both of her hands while looking at her in a way that changed the intensity of their air around them.

Vanya felt her heart speed up again, for now, reason and for a different kind of pressure to appear inside her stomach and chest now tight as a knot ready to break, 'No, not the way you think…'

He swallowed hard looking nervous and incredibly boyish all of the sudden, 'I love you, but not as a brother or best friend-well _obviously_ that too, but I-I love you, and I know the timing isn't great with me so messed up...but you were honest with me, and I feel I need to be with you too about everything not just the end of the world...I love you, Vanya' he rambled a bit, and even in the fainted light, she could tell he was blushing. She never saw Five blush before. She saw him red with embarrassment whenever dad called him an idiot or dismissed his calculations but never blushing and acting this nervously before.

Five cursed under his breath and looked a bit away probably the nervousness getting the best of him, 'I love you…since we were kids just you, and that didn't change, and I know that you care for me, but don't feel-'

'I love you too,' she said quickly, and Five offered her a sad smile, 'Yes, but you don't get it, I want to explain that I-'

She opened and closed her mouth realizing, he didn't understand or believe her and was a jerk enough not to let her explain to him. She knew him too well.

Before she could talk herself out of it, Vanya leaned forward and caught his lips in a soft barely second lasting kiss.

When she leaned away, she took a mental picture of Five's face because never in her entire life did she see him or thought she would ever again see him so _confused_ and _shocked_ like she just told him the meaning of the universe with her chaste kiss against his lips.

'I love you too, Five,' she said and offered him a giggle watching as his face slowly overcame the shock, and his lips formed an actual grin, 'Well, that's good then.'

She nodded feeling the blood rushing into her cheeks, but before she could say anything, they heard someone open a door and a man with a flashlight called out, 'WHAT THE HELL DO YOU TWO-'

The man didn't get to finish since Five quickly got them out somewhere to a back alley.

Vanya felt sick again, but it wasn't as horrible as it was the first two jumps still high on the feeling of almost getting caught and Five's confession.

'Oh my God! That was horrible! I can't imagine not freaking out on mission-,' this time Five abruptly cut her speech, but putting his hands against her cheeks and bending down to kiss her.

It startled her for a moment as she was still on high alert from getting caught by the guard, but Vanya quickly overcame the shock surrendering to the sensation of Five's lips against her own. They were chopped a bit not as delicate as hers, but she liked them even more because of it. She felt incredibly warm putting her arms around his neck kissing him harder and trying to guide him a bit in his first attempts. They weren't sloppy. God protect anyone who would ever accuse Five Hargreeves of being sloppy in anything. But Vanya could feel his novicity and eagerness in his abrupt brushes and hard breathing. He was excited. And the idea that she made him feel like that thrilled her in a way no first kiss ever had.

When they broke apart for air, she couldn't help a proud smirk upon seeing Five struggling to catch air just as much as she was. She didn't expect to affect him that much.

His hands moved to her back holding her close while looking down at her, 'Was that okay?'

She nodded all too quickly both of them grinning at the other like two fools. Fools in love.

'But,' she brushed her palms against his chest, 'We should go slow. So you can heal and save the world.'

He watched her for a moment and then nodded, 'As long as you're by my side, I can do it. I know can.'

She smiled before she said truthfully, 'I believe that I believe you.'

Five pressed his forehead against hers, and Vanya took a deep breath allowing all the conflicted feelings inside and untie like the knot in her chest and blossom into something wonderful at least for tonight. At least for a moment tonight, she could let all her worries and fears fade away with their foreheads touching connected in a way they never could with anyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A.N: Hey, thank you all for the support :) I hope you liked this chapter as well. I hope everyone is doing okay and is safe. Also in this house, we stan our king Elliot Page :) Have a nice day

**Author's Note:**

> A.N: Thank you for reading and the support. If you want to leave some feedback. Hope all of you and your loved ones are okay.


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